What happens when you have an illegitimate and mindfuckingly stupid president with rage issues, bowel issues (we are guessing), and a shockingly small number of words in his vocabulary (we are not guessing)? And then that guy decides to write a letter ALL BY HIMSELF to Speaker Nancy Pelosi, in order to express his anal glands about how he will be impeached tomorrow?

What happens is you get this letter, which we will make fun of right now. As we said, either the dumbfuck wrote this himself in Sharpie on paper towels and Big Mac wrappers, or maybe Stephanie Grisham got drunk (no she never) and scrawled it out for him. Or maybe Stephen Miller was just doing his best impression of Daddy in a desperate bid for attention. WHICHEVER.

Strap in, because we're going for quite a ride through the bath-salts-fever-dream-like hellscape that is the president's worrisome brain.

Follow along if you enjoy bad things!


Ready?


Dear Madam Speaker:

I write to express my strongest and most powerful protest

STRONGEST MOST POWERFUL!

against the partisan impeachment crusade

CRUSADE!

This impeachment represents an unprecedented and unconstitutional abuse of power by Democrat Lawmakers

"Democratic." Also "lawmakers" need not be capitalized. Is there a literate person in the building?

The Articles of Impeachment introduced by the House Judiciary Committee are not recognizable under any standard of Constitutional theory, interpretation, or jurisprudence. They include no crimes, no misdemeanors, and no offenses whatsoever.

Here are over 700 historians explaining why that first thing is bullshit. And here's the House Judiciary Committee report on allllllll the crimes.

You have cheapened the importance of the very ugly word, impeachment!

Told you he wrote it himself.

We can't do this line by line, it's too stupid. Here's the next graf:

By proceeding with your invalid impeachment, you are violating your oaths of office, you are breaking your allegiance to the Constitution, and you are declaring open war on American Democracy. You dare to invoke the Founding Fathers in pursuit of this election-nullification scheme—yet your spiteful actions display unfettered contempt for America's founding and your egregious conduct threatens to destroy that which our Founders pledged their very lives to build. Even worse than offending the Founding Fathers, you are offending Americans of faith by continually saying "I pray for the President," when you know this statement is not true, unless it is meant in a negative sense. It is a terrible thing you are doing, but you will have to live with it, not I!

OK, there's a lot there -- Democrats declaring war on the Constitution (impeachment is in the Constitution), hurting the founding fathers' feelings, etc. -- but Trump seems to have figured out that when Pelosi says she prays for him, she's saying "bless your heart," and when people say "bless your heart," they mean "go eat a bag of fucks."

You know that I had a totally innocent conversation with the President of Ukraine. I then had a second conversation that has been misquoted, mischaracterized, and fraudulently misrepresented. Fortunately, there was a transcript of the conversation taken, and you know from the transcript (which was immediately made available) that the paragraph in question was perfect.

READ TEH TREANSWDNKANFSD;KLJFAKSDJFKJASDKLFJKLOLPENISYETIPUBESWHATISWRONGWITHDONALDTRUMPJUNIORSFACEJKF;JSDKJCRIPT!

I said do us a favor, not me, and our country, not a campaign.

And if you believe it's in America's best interests to have Ukraine investigate Joe Biden to help Donald Trump win re-election in 2020, we have a bridge to sell you that's up Rudy Giuliani's asshole.

You know full well that Vice President Biden used his office and $1 billion dollars of U.S. aid money to coerce Ukraine into firing the prosecutor who was digging into the company paying his son millions of dollars.

That wasn't Politifact's lie of the year, but maybe it shoulda been, because it's been debunked FORFUCKINGEVER.

Giphy


This Letter Still Isn't Over.

Blah blah blah Zelenskyy "NO PRESSURE!" blah blah blah "liberal law professor Jonathan Turley" (LOL) blah blah blah blah NO OBSTRUCTION NO OBSTRUCTION CONGRESS IS THE REAL OBSTRUCTION blah blah blah

Your chosen candidate lost the election in 2016, in an Electoral College landslide (306-227)

304. Not a landslide. Not historic. Like, if Electoral College victories were covered in Yeti Pubes, you wouldn't even be able to see this one.

You have developed a full-fledged case of what many in the media call Trump Derangement Syndrome and sadly, you will never get over it!

No not never!

You are unwilling and unable to accept the verdict issued at the ballot box during the great Election of 2016.

The great Election!

So you have spent three straight years attempting to overturn the will of the American people

The minority of white people who voted for the man who got into the Oval Office because the Electoral College, James Comey and Russia rigged it for him.

You view democracy as your enemy!

That does sound like us.

Blah blah blah "Maxine Waters" blah blah blah "James Comey" blah blah blah RASHIDA TLAIB SAID A CUSS! blah blah blah

It only has to do with your attempt to undo the election of 2016 and steal the election of 2020!

That's right, Democrats are stealing the 2020 election by holding the illegitimate president, who "won" his first election with foreign interference, accountable for soliciting foreign interference in the 2020 election.

Giphy


This Letter Still Isn't Over.

Blah blah blah ADAM SCHIFF DID A TREASON PARAPHRASE OF MY PERFECT CALL (Trump calls it "this fantasy language") blah blah blah ACHOMLISHMENTS blah blah blah BLACK UNEMPLOYMENT! blah blah blah SPACE FORCE! blah blah blah MORE ACHOMLISHMENTS!

Honestly that whole section is so embarrassing, it would be like kicking a puppy to even make fun of it. He even claims he's started building the wall. Like ... y'all.

Few people in high position could have endured or passed this test.

Uh huh.

You do not know, nor do you care, the great damage and hurt you have inflicted upon wonderful and loving members of my family.

Which one are we supposed to be sympathetic toward again? Like, if having such a shitheel criminal for a father has been damaging to minor child B-rron, we are sorry ( that he has shitty parents), but we don't care about the feelings of Ivanka, Dumbshit Junior, The Other Dumbshit, or to a lesser extent Tiffany.

Oh, and FUCK Jared.

There are not many people who could have taken the punishment inflicted during this period of time, and yet done so much for the success of America and its citizens.

He just said that.

You completely failed with the Mueller report because there was nothing to find, so you decided to take the next hoax that came along, the phone call with Ukraine—even though it was a perfect call.

He already said that too.

And by the way, when I speak to foreign countries, there are many people, with permission, listening to the call on both sides of the conversation.

We know! That's how we got the whistleblower report and found out about Trump's election-stealing bribe-crimes with Ukraine WOMP WOMP.

Still pretty weird how he has all his treason traitor call transcripts put on the Bin Laden server that's actually intended for our deepest secrets, though.

You are the ones interfering in America's elections. You are the ones subverting America's Democracy. You are the ones Obstructing Justice. You are the ones bringing pain and suffering to our Republic for your own selfish personal, political, and partisan gain.

Uh huh, ayup, OK, fuck off.

Giphy


This Letter Still Isn't Over.

Blah blah blah RUSSIAN WITCH HOAX blah blah blah HILLARY DOSSIER DEEP STATE blah blah blah OH MY GOD:

have been deprived of basic Constitutional Due Process from the beginning of this impeachment scam right up until the present. I have been denied the most fundamental rights afforded by the Constitution, including the right to present evidence, to have my own counsel present, to confront accusers, and to call and cross-examine witnesses,

Except for, like, when Trump was offered those very rights in the House Judiciary Committee's open hearings.

like the so-called whistleblower who started this entire hoax with a false report of the phone call that bears no relationship to the actual phone call that was made.

THERE IT IS! The Politifact Lie Of The Year, where Trump just fucking yaps out his rancid asshole and says the whistleblower report got it wrong. The whistleblower report was eerily flawless.

Once I presented the transcribed call, which surprised and shocked the fraudsters

Because it was evidence of the exact crime the whistleblower described.

More due process was afforded to those accused in the Salem Witch Trials.

OK.

Giphy


This Letter Still Isn't Over, But It's Almost Over

Blah blah blah UNFAIR blah blah blah STAR CHAMBER blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE I'M BEING IMPEACHED TOMORROW AIYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE!

In other words, sincerely yours, a guy who may or may not have ever learned to spell his own name, dunno, can't tell from that embarrassing bullshit signature.

THE END!

Donald Trump will be impeached tomorrow, and his presidency will thereby receive (another) asterisk in the history books. How shameful for him.

You ready? All-day liveblog tomorrow.

And for now, OPEN THREAD!

[The White House published this for real, it is on the website of the office of the most powerful man in the world oh my god]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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