Open Thread: A Florida Gentleman Named Elvis, His AR-15, A Car, And Some Cows

Not just any post can earn the coveted 'Gnome Vomiting Rainbows' gif

You know how sometimes Yr Wonket will write a story about some lowlife crimer person who's done some incredibly stupid crime thing, often in Florida (but not exclusively), and we'll say the person sounds like they may have escaped from a Carl Hiaasen novel? Today, we'll go one better: the link to the story comes from Carl Hiaasen the man himself:

One lily, gilded. Or something.

And yes, that is literally the headline, because the Palm Beach Post knows a perfect Florida Man hed when it sees one. It has the same sort of gonzo poetry as "Two Alligators, A Pole Dancer And Pot At Olympia Area Shooting Scene," "Man Nicknamed Pork Chop Tries To Bury Boss With Front-End Loader," or "Oregon Man On Meth Fights Off 12 Cops While Masturbating In Bar."

Headlines like these tell you everything you really need to know, and yet you want to know more. You need to know more.

So here's what happened: A dude named Elvis Antonio Artola, either 33 or 30 depending on the source you read, has been jailed on multiple charges after shooting an AR-15 style semiautomatic rifle from a car at several cows. While on a Florida turnpike. But -- and this is a crucial detail -- not while driving. See, little things like that can make a story fall just short of perfection.

However, you'll be glad to know that, according to WFTV news, state troopers aren't certain whether Elvis hit anything, particularly the aforesaid cows. As ever, we will defer to the blockquoted original reporting, since we doubt we could top it:

Trooper Konner Achors said he was on routine patrol Sunday when he received a call that someone in a blue Hyundai Sonata was shooting a rifle at cows along Osceola Parkway in Kissimmee.

Achors found the vehicle matching that description and pulled over the vehicle in Orange County. Artola was in the passenger seat and when questioned if he was firing off the rifle, he said no, troopers said [...]

The driver of the vehicle told troopers he stopped along the side of the Turnpike so Artola could use the restroom. He said Artola stepped out of the vehicle with a rifle in his hand and fired into the woods several times.

The driver told troopers Artola got back inside the vehicle, they made a U-Turn and Artola fired the gun several more times out the car window. The driver told troopers he wasn’t sure if Artola was trying to hit the cows or if he was just “shooting to shoot.”

Artola refused to answer officers' questions when he was arrested, but with the driver's cooperation, a fully loaded AR-15 style rifle was recovered from the trunk. A video accompanying the story offers the crucial -- and thoroughly unanticipated -- detail that Mr. Artola was likely intoxicated at the time.

Enjoy your open thread. And keep watching YouTube for the inevitable country-western ballad.

[Palm Beach Post / WFTV]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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