Oprah Would Like To 'Splain Something To Dumb 'Undecided' Voters
She has some EDUCATION to give y'all.
Oprah Winfrey, have you heard of her? She is this lady who has more money than Donald Trump and used to have a day time talk show of some sort, she has a little book club, and she's probably the immortal high queen of the Illuminati. She's also a big #ImWithHer Hillary Clinton supporter, and she'd like to share her thinky thoughts about this election, especially for the benefit of those dumb people out there who are still "undecided" about whether we should elect a temperamental, gropey racist who can't even control himself on Twitter, or whether we should pick a woman more qualified than any presidential candidate of our lifetimes, but who committed the cardinal sin of "emails." HMMMM! Set the earth on fire or endure the indignity of a lady president who used Hotmail sorta kinda wrong one time? DECISIONS!
Oprah appeared on the "T.D. Jakes Show" (he is a popular pastor guy) and said for a while, she didn't know what in hell to say about this election that would actually be helpful, but now she's figured it out. Those undecided voters need to get a brain and get a grip.
Enlighten our brains, Wise Oprah:
There really is no choice, people. All the people sitting around talking about they can’t decide. This is what I what I wanna say ... I hear this all the time. You get into conversations — and there’s not a person in this room who hasn’t been in the same conversation — where people say, "I just don't know if I LIKE her."
She's not comin' over to your house! You don’t have to like her. You. Don't. Have. To like her. Do you like this country? Do you like this country? You better get out there and vote! DO YOU LIKE THE COUNTRY? ... Do you like freedom and liberty? Do you LIKE this country? OK. Do you like democracy or do you want a demagogue?
You should really watch the video because Oprah is yell-preaching and a transcript does not do it justice.
And it's true, Hillary Clinton is not coming to your house for dinner. You can breathe a sigh of relief, because Hillary is THE WORST at dinner parties. She always insists on letting Sidney Blumenthal sit in her lap, and she jabs her fork into her green beans and says, "I DO BENGHAZI TO YOU!" and when she's done with that she always spells out "TAKE THAT VINCE FOSTER" in her alphabet soup.
Just kidding, we'd love to have Hillary over for dinner, we bet she only does those things a little bit.
But we do think Oprah seized on a very stupid thing that always comes up in elections: "Who would I rather have a beer with?" YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE A BEER WITH THE PRESIDENT, JACKWADS! Therefore your question is invalid. Also Hillary would be more fun to have a beer with because she has the best laugh and if you get drunk with Donald Trump he'll probably grope you. Allegedly.
So get out there and vote for the lady candidate, you braindead "undecideds." And watch this video about Shoes, How Do You Keep Them On Your Feets:
And here's Water, How Do You Make It Do That Bubbly Hot Thing?
Yay, undecided voters have learned Three New Things in this post, and Oprah and Wonket helped! YOU'RE WELCOME.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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