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[contextly_sidebar id="Fz89cWe7hNfSNY05cefYTGSAcxiX8K6X"]What up my Wonkers? Oh my goodness, can you believe people are about to actually start VOTING in this primary, which has already been going on since the Reagan administration? It's true! Iowa is Monday! And hey Iowa Wonkers, we are coming to see you! Also too Chicago and Detroit. If you live in any of those places, we expect to see you, dammit.

[contextly_sidebar id="9KD47P2nO5EXZTA4F6zNPhSMVDyFDuvz"]We will do your top ten stories, but here are your Important Reminders. Number one, remember how Wonkette made you a present and it is a Kickstarter and a card game and also our undying love? You should go contribute to it if you haven't already! Or even if you have, it's OK to fling money at us twice in one week. Whatever.

[contextly_sidebar id="06F36IpwVld3TWEq8XmGqkX6e5rf1WUo"]Also too remember that Bernie Sanders has been FIRED from our Wonkette bazaar, for impersonating Doc Brown, so if you want one of the last copies, well, we can't help you with that. (Unless we can.)

LAST REMINDER: If you didn't do dollars to us in the preceding paragraphs, here's one more chance! Find it in your wallets to pay us for our Wonking services, because we love you. How many dollars do we cost, you ask? Oh, like $5, $10, or $25, or a million dollars. Whatever Jesus is saying to you right now, do that.

Just bein' a baby, hangin' out below the donation paragraphs, AS USUAL.

OK, here is your weekly top ten list, chosen as usual by science:

1. In this week's Off The Menu, it was actually restaurant customers who are, for real, awesome people. Seriously.

2. You sure do love those stories about restaurant managers dropping the mic on dickhead customers, especially when they're leaving Bible tracts instead of tips.

3. New Bernie Bro (not H.A. Goodman or the other one, unless they are all the same guy LOL) just wants to know where the hell her royal highness Michelle Obama gets off.

4. Fox News is OUTRAGED how the Planned Parenthood witch hunt isn't going the way they thought it would.

5. Guys, it really sucks to be Ted Cruz. Even more than usual.

6. You will never guess who might be going to prison over those Planned Parenthood videos, giggle!

7. Most of the Oregon militia will now have to beg for snacks and dildos in jail. Also, RIP to the one doofus, LaVoy Finicum. We still are very sorry his family is probably sad right now.

8. Donald Trump's "shoot somebody" plan is going over swimmingly with his supporters.

9. Matt Drudge gives his male roommate the traditional heterosexual gift of real estate. Ayup.

10. And now how about some shitty restaurant customers? Yep, last week's Off The Menu, back again for a second week!

So there you go, Wonkers. That's your assigned reading for this weekend.

Now you have one task left, and one task only. Do you follow Wonkette on the Facebook and the Twitter? WELL DO THAT IF YOU DON'T.

OK, leaving you now, keep each other company in the comments, which are not allowed.

Love,

Wonket

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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