Oregon Militia Twit Sues America For Being Literally Satan

Militia jizzrocket Shawna Cox, victim of America The Great Satan

[contextly_sidebar id="M0QA7oa7VviS2goskTPasKhbmVrWhfnB"]Haha those Bundy Oregon militia snotweasel dicknose brats finally have something in common with REAL terrorists. Whereas Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda organization liked to think of America as "the Great Satan," militia supporter and "sovereign citizen" Shawna Cox, who got to go to jail with Ammon Bundy but has been released, has filed a "crimminal counter suite" [sic] in response to the charges she and the rest of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge occupiers face after their pitiful little standoff. In her suit, she claims the feds are literally being Satan and doing the dark lord's bidding.

How many moneys does Shawna want from Satan and his girlfriend the American federal government?

$666,666,666,666.66. (That's 666 billion dollars and some change if you don't math good.) Don't know where she came up with that number, since the real Devil Number from the Bible is just 666. It's not MORE SATANIC if you keep adding sixes at the end, DUMBASS.

And how are the feds being the devil in poor Shawna's mind?

Well for one thing, according to the lawsuit, "narcissi Federal Government officials ... have organized together to highjack and steal" the Constitution. Apparently they "highjacked" this dipsock's ability to spell as well.

[contextly_sidebar id="vO7taFL8VBwDYYPujPtBcxPgqVHKWNCr"]The lawsuit also states the feds did tyranny to Dwight and Steven Hammond, the arsonist ranchers now in jail, who Ammon Bundy and his jackoff pals came to save in the first place. Also, she claims the feds "executed" her co-protestor LaVoy Finicum, though video clearly showed Finicum reaching for a weapon, which is, science fact, NOT ALLOWED. And other things, so many other things, she is SO MAD BRO.

Does she have an insane laundry list of how her rights were supposedly violated?

Glad you asked! Here, have some list:

And more! No for real, there are more things on her list, but there's only so much Wonkette to go around, and we don't want to waste too much of it on this weasel taint.

So who's in big trouble with Shawna the self-proclaimed sovereign citizen?

ALL OF THEM, KATIE. All members of the Oregon State Bar, all the state and federal officials "involved in terrorizing Harney County, Oregon" (not counting her own militia members of course), the Harney County prosecutor, Oregon Gov. Kate Brown, the FBI ... like, seriously, all the everybodies. Read the whole lawsuit if you hate yourself want to see every single person Shawna would be misspelling "J'accuse!" at if she know how to misspell in French. They are going to GO TO JAIL when Shawna is done with them.

What judge does she want to hear this case?

NONE OF THEM, KATIE. She says, "I am objecting to each and every judge who is a state or federal Bar Association member from presiding over my case." Because no REAL judge would ever be fair to poor Shawna, and besides, she says Bar Association members are engaged in a secret conspiracy to "convert our constitutional form of governments into socialism, communism and an oligarchy." Goddamn, how we hate it when those three forms of government come together in one big conspiracy!

Anything else we should know about this dumbass lawsuit?

[contextly_sidebar id="4pZanuhQ5pW66JnzS3Ms6e5ECZQ5Orwg"]Nah. It's a bad lawsuit and Shawna Cox should feel bad. She's probably just pissed off that instead of the yummy snacks and super-powered tampons the militia requested, all of U.S. America sent them free dildos instead. And hooray, she probably will get to go to jail forever once she faces charges, and this stupid fucking lawsuit will one day be a distant LOL of a memory.

[RawStory / Shawna's lawsuit]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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