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WONKERS, DO NOT SEND PORN TO YOUR LAWYERS!!!!


Just a little PSA from your friendly neighborhood Wonkattorney. Bill O'Reilly sent nudes, and look what happened to that Loofahwanker -- he's unemployed and out $32 million. And while we're lawtalking, check out this affidavit that Fox News analyst Lis Wiehl signed after O'Reilly agreed to give her a third of everything he owned.

YEAH, WE HAVE QUESTIONS.

1. I have known Bill O'Reilly for 18 years. We have worked together, we have socialized, and on occasion I have given him legal advice.

Wiehl gave him occasional legal advice? Really?

Bill O'Reilly had a whole team of high-priced lawyers, and so did Fox. But as soon as the cameras quit rolling, he just turned to her and started asking about Generation Skipping Transfer Tax?

SOUNDS LEGIT.

2. At the end of 2016, I hired counsel who prepared a draft complaint asserting claims against Bill O'Reilly. We have since resolved all of our issues. I would no longer make the allegations contained in the draft complaint.

So she threatened to sue him, got a third of his money, and promised never to talk about it again. And now O'Reilly's attorney is rageshitting that the Times reported on Weihl's "nonconsensual sexual relationship" with his client. Because if she can't talk about it, it never happened, right?

In its latest diatribe against Bill O'Reilly, the Times printed leaked information provided by anonymous sources that is out of context, false, defamatory and obviously designed to embarrass Bill O'Reilly and keep him from competing in the marketplace.

Well, Buddy, truth is an absolute defense to defamation. But if your guy wants to sit down with the Times's lawyers under oath and tell them what they got wrong, we're sure they'd be delighted to hear it!

3. Additionally, over the years while I was acting as Bill O'Reilly's counsel, he forwarded to me certain explicit emails that were sent to him, and any advice sought or rendered is attorney-client privileged, confidential and private. I have no claims against Bill O'Reilly concerning any of those emails or any of the allegations in the draft complaint.

WAIT, WHAT? He forwarded her porn, but she can't disclose it because of attorney-client privilege?

Exactly what kind of porn was this? Were these pictures of Bill masturbating onto the kneeless dog? Or was this the kind of porn that sends you to jail? Because we have no idea what was in those "explicit emails," but we can't help but notice that THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS IS A LOT OF MONEY.

4. Also, I have reached an accommodation with Fox News regarding the termination of my employment. I have no claims against Fox News.

Hmmmmmm. What kind of accommodation did Ms. Wiehl reach with Fox News? The network is being investigated by the SEC for hiding sexual harassment payouts from its shareholders, sometimes disguising them as salary increases. But Wiehl was out at Fox, and the only one who got a bump was Bill O'Reilly. In fact, the Murdochs were so grateful to have the Wiehl payout off their side of the ledger that they upped O'Reilly's salary to $25 million, a $7 million increase. And with O'Reilly paying Wiehl out over several years, he'd be able to buy just as many loofahs as he could in 2016. Everybody wins!

EXCEPT, the Feds were still sniffing around, asking all kinds of questions about sexual harassment at Fox. And someone was nice enough to forward an internal email to the Times detailing Fox's OH, SHIT MOMENT when they realized that shifting the Wiehl settlement to O'Reilly's side of the ledger didn't magically transform it into a "personal matter."

“Their legal theory has been that we hid the fact that we had a problem with Roger,” Gerson Zweifach, Fox’s general counsel, wrote in the email, referring to the prosecutors and Mr. Ailes, “and now it will be applied to O’Reilly, and they will insist on full knowledge of all complaints about O’Reilly’s behavior in the workplace, regardless of who settled them.”

He warned the Murdochs that they should expect details from the January settlement to become public. Six days later, Mr. O’Reilly was fired.

So anyone who says that Lachlan and James Murdoch are ushering in a new era of respectability at Fox is cordially invited to go fuck themselves. These guys were perfectly willing to underwrite a guy who harassed every woman in the office, as long as he still turned a profit for them.

Also, no, we have no idea what a "nonconsensual sexual relationship" is, but it sure does invite speculation.

[New York Times / Wiehl Affidavit / Fabiani Statement]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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