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Massachusetts Rep. Seth Moulton announced Monday that's he's running for president. Why not? Everyone else is. Still, we've gotta ask: What kind of crackpipe exploratory committee decides that Moulton can beat anyone in the already crowded Democratic primary field? He's the McSpaghetti of candidates.

Notice how weird and wrong yet blandly unappealing the McSpaghetti is? That's Seth Moulton. Maybe he's just in this to see if he can "win" at coming in last. Moulton and Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan probably have a private bet going. If so, Ryan is gonna owe Moulton a Coke soon. At least when Ryan announced his doomed candidacy, articles didn't appear hours later with headlines like this one from Vanity Fair.

OuchVanity Fair

Last year, Moulton made national headlines in a failed attempt to take down Nancy Pelosi back when no one knew what the fuck a Buttigieg was. He succeeded only in uniting freshman star Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez behind the once and future House Speaker. He also tried to tangle with AOC, who's still probably unaware of his existence. Now, just five months later, the congressional representative for more than 600,000 people is dismissed as the fake Fendi bag version of a small-town Indiana mayor.


Buttigieg even denied Moulton arguably the one interesting thing about his candidacy. Moulton's 40, so if he won, which he won't, he'd be the youngest president in history. However, Buttigieg is 37 and his chances of becoming president are slightly greater than Moulton's, which are "being struck by lightning while winning Powerball." Moulton is also not in any plausible way the next Beto O'Rourke. He lacks charisma and no one at Wonkette finds him remotely attractive. If there was a gun to our head, we'd probably do him over Ted Cruz but we'd want to see the gun first.

Moulton, an Iraq War veteran, thinks he can distinguish himself with a platform focusing on national security and defense. That's so not where the energy of the party's base is right now, but who are we to question the savvy political instincts of someone Pelosi publicly humiliated? Here's Moulton's rambling, eloquence-free explanation for his candidacy.

MOULTON: I'm running because we have to beat Donald Trump, and I want us to beat Donald Trump because I love this country. We've never been a country that gets everything right. But we're a country that, at our best, thinks that we might.

No, Seth, wanting to beat Trump and loving America is why you'd vote for Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, or any of the other candidates who are far more accomplished and qualified than you. Trump is not a dilemma whose only solution is Seth Moulton.

We're not the only ones who aren't taking Moulton seriously. When he appeared yesterday on Buzzfeed News's "AM to DM" morning show, one of the hosts declared that he resembled actor Bill Pullman from the "1996 classic, Independence Day." He does not and the film is not a "classic." Maybe that's just a nice way for young people to call something or someone old. Way to connect with the youth vote. Buttigieg would've at least been compared to Matthew Broderick from the actual classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Moulton vowed not to build a wall between Earth and Mars and would "start with diplomacy" in response to any alien invasions. Oh, good on him for having a sense of humor about his hilarious campaign. We shall now diplomatically ignore Moulton until he withdraws shortly before Iowa.

[Politico]

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

Now here are some T-shirts, which Seth Moulton does not get.

https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/elizabeth-warren-2020


https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/kamala-2020


https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/beto-2020


https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/kirsten-gillibrand-2020



https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/nancy-pelosi-ride-or-die


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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