Other Tim Ryan Running For President, Does Not Get Wonkette T-Shirt
Massachusetts Rep. Seth Moulton announced Monday that's he's running for president. Why not? Everyone else is. Still, we've gotta ask: What kind of crackpipe exploratory committee decides that Moulton can beat anyone in the already crowded Democratic primary field? He's the McSpaghetti of candidates.
Notice how weird and wrong yet blandly unappealing the McSpaghetti is? That's Seth Moulton. Maybe he's just in this to see if he can "win" at coming in last. Moulton and Ohio Rep.
Tim Ryan probably have a private bet going. If so, Ryan is gonna owe Moulton a Coke soon. At least when Ryan announced his doomed candidacy, articles didn't appear hours later with headlines like this one from Vanity Fair.
Last year, Moulton made national headlines in a failed attempt to take down Nancy Pelosi back when no one knew what the fuck a Buttigieg was. He succeeded only in uniting freshman star Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez behind the once and future House Speaker. He also tried to tangle with AOC, who's still probably unaware of his existence. Now, just five months later, the congressional representative for more than 600,000 people is dismissed as the fake Fendi bag version of a small-town Indiana mayor.
Buttigieg even denied Moulton arguably the one interesting thing about his candidacy. Moulton's 40, so if he won, which he won't, he'd be the youngest president in history. However, Buttigieg is 37 and his chances of becoming president are slightly greater than Moulton's, which are "being struck by lightning while winning Powerball." Moulton is also not in any plausible way the next Beto O'Rourke. He lacks charisma and no one at Wonkette finds him remotely attractive. If there was a gun to our head, we'd probably do him over Ted Cruz but we'd want to see the gun first.
Moulton, an Iraq War veteran, thinks he can distinguish himself with a platform focusing on national security and defense. That's so not where the energy of the party's base is right now, but who are we to question the savvy political instincts of someone Pelosi publicly humiliated? Here's Moulton's rambling, eloquence-free explanation for his candidacy.
MOULTON: I'm running because we have to beat Donald Trump, and I want us to beat Donald Trump because I love this country. We've never been a country that gets everything right. But we're a country that, at our best, thinks that we might.
No, Seth, wanting to beat Trump and loving America is why you'd vote for Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, or any of the other candidates who are far more accomplished and qualified than you. Trump is not a dilemma whose only solution is Seth Moulton.
We're not the only ones who aren't taking Moulton seriously. When he appeared yesterday on Buzzfeed News's "AM to DM" morning show, one of the hosts declared that he resembled actor Bill Pullman from the "1996 classic, Independence Day." He does not and the film is not a "classic." Maybe that's just a nice way for young people to call something or someone old. Way to connect with the youth vote. Buttigieg would've at least been compared to Matthew Broderick from the actual classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Moulton vowed not to build a wall between Earth and Mars and would "start with diplomacy" in response to any alien invasions. Oh, good on him for having a sense of humor about his hilarious campaign. We shall now diplomatically ignore Moulton until he withdraws shortly before Iowa.
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Now here are some T-shirts, which Seth Moulton does not get.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.