Our Planet Sucks So Bad That Space Aliens Flew By And Didn't Even Stop for a Bathroom Break

European Southern Observatory / M. Kornmesser

Almost a year ago, the first space object confirmed to be from another star system blew by us, and while the science community was pretty jazzed, most people were too concerned with Brexit, the United States turning into a dictatorship, and the disaster that was Justice League to pay much attention. They named it Oumuamua, because the University of Hawaii discovered it. The name translates as "visitor from afar arriving first." Just be happy it wasn't my alma mater, UC Berkeley, that discovered it, because it would be called FuckStanford instead. That translates as "we wish buffoonery and hijinks in a friendly competitive way to our esteemed rival across the bay."

Now, people who know, aka scientists, keep telling me it's an asteroid. I mean, sure, it seems like it should be one, but it sure as hell does not look like or act like one. Cigar shaped and the length of four football fields?

Karen Meech of the Institute for Astronomy in Hawaii said this about the odd visitor:

Oumuamua varies in brightness by a factor of ten as it spins on its axis every 7.3 hours. No known asteroid or comet from our solar system varies so widely in brightness, with such a large ratio between length and width. The most elongated objects we have seen to date are no more than three times longer than they are wide. This unusually big variation in brightness means that the object is highly elongated: about ten times as long as it is wide, with a complex, convoluted shape. We also found that it had a reddish color, similar to objects in the outer solar system, and confirmed that it is completely inert, without the faintest hint of dust around it.

Also, it's super shiny! Ten times shinier than any regular asteroid ever detected.

When I heard about it back then and saw the artist rendition up top, all my "aliens are finally here" sensors lit up. I mean, to paraphrase the late, great, Johnny Carson, "that is weird, wild stuff." You know what ELSE is that same shape and super shiny? The goddamn Battlestar Galactica!

Okay, so obviously the words I've written so far are very tongue in cheek, but now comes the "holy shit" part and why I'm writing about this discovery a year later. Not EVERY scientist is dismissing the possibility that it WASN'T an alien spaceship.

A paper just came out where two scientists dig into why the "asteroid" accelerates and deviates from an expected orbit without gravity accounting for it. From the paper's abstract:

Such an acceleration is naturally expected for comets, driven by the evaporating material. However, recent observational and theoretical studies imply that 'Oumuamua' is not an active comet.

So, yeah, it acts really weird and NOT like it should. Take a look at the concluding sentence of the abstract:

Our general results apply to any light probes designed for interstellar travel.

Now, keep reading past the equations and astrophysics (unless you're my son at Cornell who tried to explain some of it to me) and you get to an even more dramatic chipmunk moment. Right after the two authors conclude that at the very least this is some completely new class of interstellar material formed in some completely unknown way, they throw THIS out:

Considering an artificial origin, one possibility is that Oumuamua is a lightsail, floating in interstellar space as a debris from an advanced technological equipment. Lightsails with similar dimensions have been designed and constructed by our own civilization, including the IKAROS project and the Starshot Initiative2. The lightsail technology might be abundantly used for transportation of cargo between planets or between stars.

Um. Um? Um!!! Oh, but they don't stop THERE! You want more? More you shall have!!

Alternatively, a more exotic scenario is that Oumuamua may be a fully operational probe sent intentionally to Earth vicinity by an alien civilization.

So, what chowderhead, correspondence school PhDs wrote this crazy paper?

It was Professor Avi Loeb along with postdoc Shmuel Bialy, both at Haaavad. Now, I don't know much about the latter, but the former's credentials include:

  • Chair of Harvard's Astronomy Department
  • Fellow at the American Academy of Arts & Sciences
  • Fellow at the American Physical Society
  • Fellow at the International Academy of Astronautics
  • Published four books and over 700 papers

Named one of the 25 most influential people on space by Time Magazine in 2012 alongside two names you will recognize and the rest you may not.

Now, as the paper tells us, we weren't able to get an actual visual look at Oumuamua and never will. So, as the wisdom of memes tell us, "I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens."

Also, that's when Donald Trump started blathering like an idiot about Space Force, which maybe had nothing to do with distracting from Bob Mueller's Funhouse Trials of Good Times Come On after all!

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Carlos Sagan

I am a biochemist MexiCAN. I also write screenplays, ever hoping to get one made.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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