'15th Time's The Charm' Is Totally A Thing. Seriously! Stop Laughing!!

It's your House Republican-filled Sunday shows rundown!

House Republicans finally elected Kevin McCarthy as the new speaker before we ran out of Doctors from "Doctor Who," a very dignified unit of measurement. Afterward, the House quickly swore in its members, let Minority LeaderHakeem Jeffries show people what they missed out on, and adjourned before the next shitshow — voting for the House rules package.

Without a clear victory and awaiting the next session of rake-walking later today, House Republicans were left with no other option but to try and gaslight the public into believing their first example of "leadership" wasn't a colossal failure. Let's see how that went!

Chip Roy Starts The Egg Timer On Speaker McCarthy's Tenure

After receiving so many concessions that the House "Freedom Caucus" is effectively the de facto leaders of the 118th Congress, Rep. Chip Roy from Texas gave a preview of their Nakatomi Plaza terrorist tactics on CNN's "State Of The Union."

“"We will use the tools of the house to enforce the terms of the agreement" -- Chip Roy on CNN on if he'll offer a motion to remove McCarthy if he doesn't include spending cuts in a debt ceiling bill”

— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1673187438 

Roy told Tapper, "We will use the rules of the House to enforce the terms of the agreement," implying that he'll vote to boot McCarthy if he offers a clean debt ceiling bill that doesn't crash the economy. It's as if the next two years for McCarthy (and the American people) will resemble the prediction Clubber Lang made for his fight against Rocky.

Dan Crenshaw Sighs

Part of the deal to get McCarthy enough votes for his speakership bid was apparently to cap domestic spending to 2022 levels for fiscal year 2024, which Tapper noted would result in (at the very least) "tens of billions of dollars not going to the Pentagon."

So stuck between cuts to programs that will effectively lose them the House in two years or a potential government shutdown that will lose them the House in two years, Rep. Dan Crenshaw from Texas gave a heavy sigh as he resigned himself to his party's fate, much like Homer Simpson stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

TAPPER: If this ends up in tens of billions of dollars being cut from the Pentagon budget, will that bother you?

CRENSHAW: (sighs) It could. [...]

How is Crenshaw gonna make more wannabe "G.I. Joe" campaign commercials if you cut defense spending?! Damn it, McCarthy!!

Jim Jordan Talks Fast Without Saying Much

Over on "Fox News Sunday," host Shannon Bream had to deal with Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio and his disdain for suit jackets. One of Jordan's signature "traits" is his memorizing and spouting of talking points at a speed that makes it seem like he's selling Micro Machine toys. It's like a jock who had a gallon's worth of talking points poured into a shot glass-sized brain .

Jordan's schtick almost made us miss his hints at more nefarious motives regarding the defense cuts Crenshaw was sad about.

“Asked whether defense spending is on the chopping block, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) says: "You had better look at everything. And frankly we better look at the money we send to Ukraine as well and say how can we best spend the money to protect America?"”

— The Recount (@The Recount) 1673189032 

Jordan said, "You had better look at everything. And frankly we better look at the money we send to Ukraine as well and say how can we best spend the money to protect America?" A little isolationism mixed with not-so-subtle support for Vladimir Putin's invasion of Ukraine. This is peak Trumpism.

James Comer Might Have A Single Good Idea

We conclude with Rep. James Comer from Kentucky on NBC's "Meet The Press" with Chuck Todd. While speaking of the revelation of Trump's taxes and his lack of paying most of them, Comer accidentally proposes a good thing.

COMER: [...] If the Democrats want to make people like Donald Trump pay taxes they need to change the tax code — not the tax rate, the tax code. [...]

Don't threaten us with a good time, Jimmy.

Have a week!

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