2013's Person Of The Year: Hitler, Who Was Just Like Hitler

Oh 2013, how we will miss you and your multitudes of bad analogies, even though we are pretty sure 2014 will bring us even more bad analogies, because America is awful and Americans are awful, and it is now standard practice to compare anything you do not like to really bad stuff and/or really bad people. Like Hitler. (Or, on occasion, if you're feeling creative, Rwanda .) The Republicans' government shutdown this year was basically like the Battle of Gettysburg. Why? Because! A similar trend this year is to compare horribly awful terrible people who do horribly awful terrible things to great heroes who did great things because why not? Like, the Duck Dynasty dude is like Rosa Parks . Why? Because! ( See also Ted Nugent, who is like Rosa Parks, according to Ted Nugent.) And of course Rick Santorum is just like Nelson Mandela , in that Rick Santorum is trying to destroy health care and Nelson Mandela gave his country health care, but if you forget that Santorum is doing the opposite of what Mandela did, they're basically exactly the same guy. You can't even tell them apart!

But nothing tops the bad Hitler analogies because Jesus, that has become more popular than taking feminist twerking selfies at funerals. EVERYTHING is basically just like Hitler nowadays. Let us do the squiggly line flashback thingy where we fondly recall all the ways America's Greatest Idiots idiotsplained to us how things they do not like are JUST LIKE HITLER.

• Janet Mefferd, who has a radio show that "takes a distinctively Christ-centered look at the news and events of the day," explained how if Rick Santorum cannot gay-bash at our high school children, it is, basically, pretty much just like Hitler:

  On Facebook, Mefferd wrote that she could see America moving “toward a day when every Christian who supports real marriage might be made to wear a yellow patch on the sleeve, a 'badge of shame' to identify us as ‘anti-gay haters.’ Kind of like the Jews in Nazi Germany.”

• Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell's office was bugged -- or maybe not bugged, who knows? -- and we learned how he and his staff said some not very nice things about Ashley Judd, who was making Mitch bedwet himself at the mere suggestion that she might run against him. At first, Mitch treaded lightly with the bad analogies, claiming that the bugging-or-maybe-not-bugging of his office was "much like Nixon and Watergate." But since that didn'treallydrive the point home, his campaign manager tossed in a casual Godwinism, and claimed that the bugging-or-not-bugging was basically "Gestapo kind of scare tactics." Attaboy!

• When the IRSfauxgate story broke, never-wrong Matt Drudge siren alerted us that this latest fauxgate is basically the "American Holocaust," and we will have to have a "great civil war" about it or something. Unfortunately, we all got distracted from the American Holocaust over the IRS thing because we had to devote ourselves to full-time warring on Christmas. Oh well, maybe we can pick it up again in 2014. Fingers crossed!

• Obviously, just about every single idiot with an "R" after their name was required by the Constitution to explain how Obamacare is JUST LIKE HITLER. Like Idaho state Sen. Sheryl Nuxoll , who twittered that participating in the exchanges is "Much like the Jews boarding the trains to concentration camps." And did she apologize and retract her analogy when it was pointed out to her that it was maybe, like, a tad inappropriate? Fuck no, apologies are for wussy Democrats!

  For some reason, a bunch of people thought maybe it was a little strange, and maybe even offensive, to compare a health insurance plan to actual genocide, but Nuxoll is unrepentant: “There is no disrespect for any group or people with the analogy.… I just want people to know the truth.”

  She wasn't trying to be disrespectful, just derping derp to power by pointing out the obvious fact that health care is "much like" genocide. You cannot argue with that! And in case Hitler comparisons aren't your cuppa, Obamacare is also like slavery And rape .

• Liz Cheney, officially The World's Worst Sister , took an inventive approach to the Obamacare-is-Hitler comparison by appointing herself the ghost of Winston Churchill:

  She compared herself to Winston Churchill standing up to Adolph Hitler and suggested members of both parties in Congress are hiding information about Obamacare from the public.

  We give Liz two and a half yellow Jewish Stars of David for her creativity on that one.

• New York's Rep. Peter King (R-Terrorist Sympathizer) pulled a roundabout-Godwin out of his dunce cap when he history-lessoned Sen. Rand Paul about taxes or something, we don't know, it's Peter King, he never makes sense:

  “What this reminds me of, someone like Senator Paul and others in that isolationist wing,” King continued, “you know the Republicans had this debate back in the 1930s when you had the isolationists and the Charles Lindberghs saying we should appease Hitler, then the Democrats had it in the 1960s when the anti-war movement blamed America first and in both cases it hurt the party for years, each party was hurt for years.”

  “I’m afraid that is what Senator Paul is going to do with us. He wants to retreat from the world. He wants to isolate ourselves, go back to ‘Fortress America.’”

  We've misplaced our King-to-English dictionary, but we think that means Rand Paul isn't like Hitler, exactly, but he would totally blow Hitler and give him a nice reach-around if given the chance.

• We are most impressed -- most! -- by the Godwinian stylings of North Carolina state Sen. Bob Rucho, who twattered the hyperbole trifecta with this gem:

  Justice Robert’s pen & Obamacare has done more damage to the USA then [sic]the swords of the Nazis,Soviets & terrorists combined.

  Nazis AND Soviets AND terrorists, oh my! We think Rucho has a bright future in the Republican Party.

• Arizona state Rep. Brenda Barton single-handedly stopped De Fuhrer Barack Hitler Hussein Hitler Obama Hitler from Hitlering national parks and monuments during The Great Shutdown o' 2013 -- with WORDS!

  “Someone is paying the National Park Service thugs overtime for their efforts to carry out the order of De Fuhrer… where are our Constitutional Sheriffs who can revoke the Park Service Rangers authority to arrest??? Do we have any Sheriffs with a pair?”

  But, see, she was not actually comparing De Fuhrer Obama to De Fuhrer Hitler because she was just using De Fuhrer in, like, the generic way . Wink wink.

• We are in so much awe of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who subtly warned that chicks and gays are kind of turning America into Nazi Germany, sort of:

  Scalia opened his talk with a reference to the Holocaust, which happened to occur in a society that was, at the time, “the most advanced country in the world.” One of the many mistakes that Germany made in the 1930s was that judges began to interpret the law in ways that reflected “the spirit of the age.” When judges accept this sort of moral authority, as Scalia claims they’re doing now in the U.S., they get themselves and society into trouble.

  This was part of a screed about judicial activists, so it seems like a good time to remind you that Scalia was one of the judicial activists who in a little case you've probably never heard of, Bush v. Gore , judicial activisted George W. Bush right into the White House, election laws be damned. Hey, you know who else ... ah, well, you get the point.

• Of course, there were many sadz about how Obama is coming to take your guns (no, he isn't), which is just like Hitler (no, it isn't), but people who put up false quotes about stuff on billboards to make some kind of point we don't understand can't be held, like, accountable, because that's just like Hitler.

• The hands-down winner of this year's Just Like Hitler award, however, goes to Rep. Trent Franks (R-Nazi Germany). Franks, who comes from Arizona where so much of our nation's derp is produced, did not mean to be just like Hitler. And yet :

  Arizona Rep. Trent Franks (R-OF COURSE) is one such just-like-the-Holocauster, and this week, while while arguing for his bill to ban abortion at 20 weeks, which is unconstitutional plus also a total dick move, he went full-on Todd Akin, and jumped on the magic ladyparts theory bandwagon, dumbsplaining that “the incidence of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low.”

  Hey, you know who else believed that you can't really get pregnant when you are raped? Okay, besides Todd Akin and every other member of the Republican Party? We will give you three guesses. Give up?

  In the aftermath of Akin’s statement, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported on a 1972 essay by an obstetrician named Fred Mecklenburg, who cited a Nazi experiment in which women were told they were on their way to die in the gas chambers — and then were allowed to live, so that doctors could check whether they would still ovulate. Since few did, Mecklenburg claimed that women exposed to the emotional trauma of rape wouldn’t be able to become pregnant, either. (He also argued that rapists are infertile because they masturbate a lot.)

And scene.

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