I, Steve Bannon, Rode A Freight Train All Night To Get To Court, And This Is How You Treat Me?

The multi-shirted skin tag begins his defense against fraud charges.

Listen up, you elitist swine. I’m here today to tell you that this persecution of me will not be tolerated by the great Americans to whom I owe my listenership and whatever wealth I’ve hoovered out of their pockets through donations to phony charities. The Deep State may think that they can stop me by charging me with all the crimes I keep doing, but they’ll have to kill me first. I will fight until there is no more breath in my body, I will—

I’m sorry, your Honor. Yes, I understand, but perhaps the court reporter could type faster if he wants to keep up.

Anyway, pardon my appearance, your Honor. I just got off a boxcar I rode a thousand miles to get to this arraignment, and I came right here from the railyard. There wasn’t time to get hosed down by the local zookeeper and then change all my shirts.

No, your Honor, not an empty coal train, just a standard-issue boxcar. But it’s not like they keep those things spotless. Plus this one was transporting rusty junked car parts. The rust might sustain me on a long journey, but it is messy.

Yes, I subsist on a diet of flaking rust and hay that a minion shovels at my gaping mouth twice a day. Of course my mouth can only open so wide, so there’s usually a large pile of hay on the ground after a couple of minutes, and I’ll get down and roll around in it while I’m gobbling it up. That’s why I always look like I’m covered in a layer of chaff. Because I am covered in a layer of chaff.

Yes, that’s exactly why my lawyer brought this pile of hay that is covering the defense table. (dunks face into hay, emits loud smacking noises like a drowning platypus for exactly four minutes until it is all gone) 

I suppose my diet is frowned upon in elitist coastal cities run by the socialist anti-American Democrats, but I have never cared what those swells think, with their oat milk and their neckties and their smart aesthetic sense of how to properly layer clothing. They’ll be frowning for different reasons when Donald Trump is back in the White House.

Yes, Donald Trump will be president again. The Deep State can try to frame him for any ridiculous crime it can think up, for colluding with Russia or election interference or blackmailing foreign leaders to find dirt on the criminal Biden family or misusing hundreds of millions of dollars in campaign donations or stealing classified documents and then giving them back covered with Quarter Pounder crumbs and condensation rings from countless cans of Diet Coke…

I’m sorry, I forget where I was going with that.

I do understand the nature of the charges against me, your Honor. I understand that the Biden regime is persecuting me because it’s afraid of me. It’s afraid of Donald Trump. It’s afraid of this movement of millions of everyday Americans that’s going to take back this country from the Chinese Communist Party and the Muslims and the teachers’ unions and the politically correct and the illegal aliens and the Jews and the woke NBA players and Dr. Fauci and—

I suppose you would like to gag me for the duration of this hearing, your Honor. Just like all the woke leftists would like to gag the common Americans I’m speaking for, the forgotten ones silenced by the Democrat Party and its pet corporate media. Well, you can gag me if you want. You can cut off my lips, cut out my tongue, and I will still never stop speaking.

Your Honor, I ask that the bailiff put away that hatchet and stop smacking his lips with anticipation.

Yes, I can sit quietly for the duration of the arraignment.

 (four seconds later) But I would like to tell the court a story, your Honor. It’s the story of a boy with a head so giant he flopped over when he walked, a boy who grew into a patriotic American with a gift for talking like a tinpot public access host and a hatred of doing laundry. It’s about the great president that patriotic American loyally served when he wasn’t leaking to reporters like an elephant with a bladder control problem.

 (Supporters in the courtroom begin humming Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Red White and Blue.”) 

It’s a story about a compliant media serving its corporate masters! It’s the story of that media conspiring with a cowardly establishment and insipid Democrats and RINOs to stop these two great men from making America great again! It’s about a corrupted law enforcement apparatus incessantly investigating these two men on fake charges!

 (“Red White and Blue” crescendos) 

And just because they ripped off a whole bunch of suckers! Ordinary Americans who trusted that the men really were building a wall to keep the country from being overrun by illegals! Even if those ordinary Americans didn’t know these men were diverting most of that money to build vast underwater cities of solid gold that they could rule like gods!

Would anyone deny these great men some, let’s say, financial recompense for these heroic acts, even under perhaps not-quite-true pretenses?

They would? Oh.

Um, not guilty, your Honor.

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