79,000 Batsh*t Moments From RNC Night One (Only Half Were Kimberly Guilfoyle)

That half is pretty nuts, though.

Did you catch the subtle shift in tone between the Democratic and Republican conventions? Donald Trump couldn't believe how dark and downbeat the Democrats had been, and he promised the RNC would be super-optimistic and cheery. Which is why the official program last night started off with Charlie Kirk wearing a suit, not a diaper, and explaining that the "American way of life" is at risk from "bitter, deceitful, vengeful, arrogant activists who have never built anything in their lives." See? It's optimistic, because if you keep Donald Trump in place as the "bodyguard of Western Civilization," the mobs won't burn your city to the ground or make you have healthcare. And you know it was optimistic, because The Stupidest Man on the Internet proclaimed the evening a huge success, with speakers who brought a "powerful message of hope."

The entire night was a shitshow, so a full sifting of the shit would take exactly as long as the TV presentation. Instead, let us now listicle!

Kimberly Guilfoyle: It Only Goes To Eleven? UNACCEPTABLE!

Former Fox News person Kimberly Guilfoyle is often not taken seriously because she's dating Donald Trump Jr. But that is very sexist of people to do! As Guilfoyle proved with an unhinged speech last night, she should be not taken seriously entirely on her own merits.

Guilfoyle started her speech shouting, and then, incredibly, somehow turned up the volume near the end. This is some serious Eva Peron stuff here:

Guilfoyle may have once been married to California Gov. Gavin Newsom and worked as a prosecutor alongside Kamala Harris, but she's now no fan of her home state, no thank you! She explained that once, in ancient history, California may have been a nice place, but now, oh my. 

If you want to see the socialist Biden-Harris future for our country, just take a look at California. It is a place of immense wealth, immeasurable innovation, and immaculate environment, and the Democrats turned it into a land of discarded heroin needles in parks, riots in streets and blackouts in homes!

If only California could return to the halcyon days of deadly smog, the Santa Barbara oil spill, and policing by Daryl Gates. The whole speech was nuts, with warnings that Democrats want to completely control every aspect of your life, the usual culture war stuff, but at top volume. And let's not forget Guilfoyle's weird insistence on calling her mom an "immigrant" because she came to the US from Puerto Rico, another part of the US.

If you can't watch the whole thing, at least check out this bit at the end, which was optimistic as fuck, if you're hopped up on goofballs:

We liked the bizarre mashup of self-help and Leader Worship here, laced with a warning about what those terrible Dems want.

America, it's all on the line. President Trump believes in you. He emancipates and lifts you up to live your American Dream. You are capable. You are qualified. You are powerful and you have the ability to choose your life and determine your destiny. Don't let the Democrats take you for granted. Don't let them step on you. Don't let them destroy your families, your lives, and your future. Don't let them kill future generations because they told you and brainwashed you and fed you lies that you weren't good enough.

Donald Trump, the Great Emancipator. We won't bother transcribing the last bit, which was basically 14 Howard Dean screams strung together.

ICYMI here’s Kimberly Guilfoyle’s #RNC speech. https: //t.co/IBaQiXmAoN

— JerriLynn (@JerriLynn) 1598329908.0 

St. Louis Gun Couple: Democrats Gonna Take Your Guns, Fill Your Neighborhood With Black People

That nice lawyer couple who pointed loaded guns at Black Lives Matter marchers, Mark and Patricia McCloskey, optimistically warned that the Democrat mobs are coming to burn YOUR mansion to the ground, exactly like what didn't happen to theirs.

Also, the Democrats love criminals, like the nonviolent marchers they had to point guns at. It was pure, uncut, Lee Atwater shit: THEY are coming for you! Not Black people, silly! Just Black people who are Marxist revolutionaries, like Cori Bush, who personally almost burned down the McCloskeys' mansion, then won a congressional primary and will now be Marxist revolutionarying in Congress! "They want to take over."

Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the St. Louis couple facing felony charges for pointing guns at Black Lives Matter pro… https: //t.co/Z338FTlpaR

— CBS News (@CBS News) 1598320535.0 

Democrats (Black Black Black Black!), Ms. McCloskey whitesplained, in a whole lot of bullshit debunked here:  

[aren't] satisfied with spreading the chaos and violence into our communities. They want to abolish the suburbs altogether by ending single-family home zoning. This forced rezoning would bring crime, lawlessness and low-quality apartments into now-thriving suburban neighborhoods.

They're coming for you. Be afraid! It was a nice follow-up to Matt Gaetz's warning that Joe Biden will make you live next door to MS-13.

Also, very hopeful, because Donald Trump will keep Levittown white. 

The Human Side of Donald Trump

Jim Jordan reassured us that Donald Trump is the kindest warmest most empathetic person who ever cut off medical care for a severely ill baby . You see, Trump was on the phone with Jordan while Jordan went to visit a grieving family, and then Trump talked to the family for a full five minutes, very very empathetically, like WAY more empathetically than Joe Biden ever would. This absolutely happened, and they probably thanked Trump with tears in their eyes and called him sir.

Also, Trump met with a number of former hostages and people who'd been detained in foreign lands. He welcomed home Pastor Andrew Brunson, who'd been imprisoned for two years in Turkey on phony charges of terrorism and spying, plus promoting "Christianization." Trump made a point of letting Brunson know his close personal friend Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan — whose regime imprisoned Brunson, yes — was quite a nice guy.

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Brunson: I was held in Turkey for two years, and you took unprecedented steps actually to secure my release, and your administration really fought for me, and I think if you hadn't done that, I may still be in Turkey. I'm really grateful. [...]

Trump: We had to get you back, and I have to say, to me, President Erdoğan was very good. I know they had you scheduled for a long time and you were a very innocent person, and he, ultimately, after we had a few conversations, he agreed, and we appreciate that.

How's THAT for a positive outlook?

Fidel Biden Wants To Cuba You

You want dictators, forget Erdoğan and look closer to home, because according to Cuban emigré Maximo Alvarez, there's no real difference between Joe Biden and Fidel Castro:

I have seen people like this before. I have seen movements like this before. I've seen ideas like this before, and I am here to tell you, we cannot let them take over our country. [...]

Those false promises — spread the wealth, defund the police, trust a socialist state more than your family and community — don't sound radical to my ears. They sound familiar.

Clearly, we must not let Biden and his revolutionaries literally invade Washington DC by force of arms, with support from the Soviet Union.

That is a lot of stupid shit, and we didn't even include Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, or Don Jr. , because those doofuses get their own posts. Thank goodness Netflix has "The Legend of Korra" now, so we were able to see something good on TV last night.

[ NYT / WaPo / Politico / HuffPo / WaPo / NPR / NBC News ]

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