"A Scuffle Ensued And He Ate My Finger In The Process": The Nine-Fingered Man Answers Your Burning Questions

FOX News tracked down Bill Rice, some guy who up until yesterday had ten fingers and now he does not, all thanks to the public option. As it turns out, we all dodged a bullet with this guy who could, if he so desired, easily, easily stand to gain from this whole ordeal a reality show, a 15,000 profile in Vanity Fair (as told to Willow Palin and William Langewiesche), and the VP slot on the 2012 GOP ticket. Plus, BONUS common decency cred for telling the FOX anchor that having your hand eaten doesn't make you a hero, it makes you a highly medicated guy with nine fingers.

Anyway, Bill Rice is happy to answer your questions about his finger and the man who is currently digesting it! Let's summarize these important points, together.

Q. Where is the cannibal? Is he at large?

A. He is at large and probably getting hungry again.

Q. Who started it?

A. The nine-fingered guy started punching the finger-eater because the latter called the former an "idiot," an antiquated slur directed towards people with ten-fingers.

Q. Couldn't the doctors just re-attach the pinky?

A. No. The bacteria from the finger-eater's mouth had compromised the health of the digit.

Q. Bill Rice, man of nine-fingers, you will sue the flesh demon, yes? For such is the American way!

A. Nah.

Here is the 20 point essay question: It is entirely incidental, is it not, that the finger-biter and the former finger-haver happen to disagree on issues of health care policy? In no way is this a WIN for any side, because it is a BIG LOSE for all humans everywhere? Please use complete sentences and six of the seven vocabulary words from lesson four.

[ Crooks and Liars ]