The Great Alex Jones-Marco Rubio Fuck-Tussle

Like Frost and Nixon, certain to be a major Broadway play

In one of the great media spectacles of our age, Alex Jones and Marco Rubio had a brisk exchange of ideas in a Senate hallway yesterday before a hearing on the vital question of whether social media is solicitous enough to extremists and crazy people. Rubio was doing a press gaggle when Jones -- who wasn't let into the hearing's press area because he didn't have credentials -- began interrupting, as an important Media Figure is supposed to, calling Rubio a "little frat boy." For once, he wasn't wrong.

Jones was griping about the (nonexistent) "shadow banning" of rightwingers on Twitter and other stuff (taking him back into familiarwrong territory), while Rubio was trying to make his own important points about Free Speech, and the whole thing turned silly very fast, with some toxic masculinity mixed in for good measure:

Rubio repeatedly said he didn't know who Jones was and called him a "dumbass," which really drove the alternative media superstar crazy, because who wouldn't recognize the great Alex Jones? To prove there were no hard feelings, Jones chummily patted Rubio on the shoulder, saying, "He knows who InfoWars is, playing this joke over here. That's why the deplatforming didn't work!"

Rubio got mad, as Jones intended, so there could be either a tense confrontation or at least a stupid display of two dipshits barking at each other:

Rubio: Hey, don't touch me again, man ... I'm asking you not to touch me again.

Jones: Sure, I just patted you nicely.

Rubio: But I don't want to be touched. I don't know who you are.

Jones: You want me to get arrested.

Rubio: You're not going to get arrested. I'll take care of you myself.

Jones: COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! 'ELP! 'ELP! I'M BEIN' REPRESSED [loosely transcribed -- Editor] 

OK, fine, what Jones actually said was "It's not enough that you'll take my First Amendment -- Oh, you'll beat me up?" See? Same-same.

Jones then vowed Rubio would never silence him, and would never silence the American People, who Jones actually is, and that no matter what, they'll never put Baby in a corner, as patriotic music played in his head. While he was at it, he called Rubio a "gangster thug" and also a "little frat boy," because of course those go together logically. And of course, he insisted "Democrats are raping Republicans," because not being on YouTube is in fact a form of sexual assault.

Then, as Rubio left, inviting the press to "talk to this clown," Jones couldn't resist calling Rubio a fag, because that's what manly men do, isn't it? "Go back to your bathhouse. Compromise in the bathhouses. There goes Rubio. Little punk."

Experts who tested the reporters and a sample of those who watched the encounter on video determined that everyone who had listened to it experienced an average IQ decline of ten to twenty points, and may God have mercy on their souls.

[ CNN / Teen Vogue ]

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