Alex Jones Not Bragging, But He's Had Sex And Done Some Killings

IT'S FINE, you guys, Jesus says IT'S FINE.

Been a long time since we've visited with Alex Jones, because he's just kind of not a thing anymore. But we make exception right now! For important news-related reason!

You see, convicted and sentenced felon Roger Stone has been convicted BY LORD of all his sins, redeemed by the blood of The Jesus and sentenced to spend all eternity getting patted on his funny-shaped head by the angels, who will all be wearing Roger Stone Did Nothing Wrong t-shirts. Because Jesus washed away his sins! Which means, to be Bible-technical, he did nothing wrong, at least according to the ultimate alibi, who is The Jesus.

At least that is Roger Stone's current sales pitch for why he should get a pardon from Donald Trump.

All of this led very normal sane person Alex Jones to tell a relatable story about his own experience with The Jesus, but don't worry, he also did nothing wrong. (Transcript via   Media Matters )

ALEX JONES (HOST): Don't just tell Jesus what to do or don't — just say, "Jesus, I need your help." That's when you're going to get Jesus. And folks, I'm not up here like some preacher, man, let me tell you. I mean, I never bragged about it or all that kind of stuff, but I've had a few girlfriends and done a few things and beat people to death and things like that. I mean, I'm Mr. Worldly. But I'm telling you, Jesus is the only thing that's going to fix this. Period.

He's never bragged , OK?

But he has had a few girlfriends.

And he's done a few other things.

And beat people to death.

And things like that.

He has gotten a boner while slow-dancing with a lady.

And beat a man just to watch him die. ( Allegedly ?)

He has done a few intercourses in his time.

And a few murders. ( Or maybe they were in self-defense? )

He is Mr. Worldly! He is one of those Facebook memes, where you give yourself a point for all the things you have done, and if you score below 50, you are a Loser Dorky McNoFriends Virgin.

Alex Jones is not a Loser Dorky McNoFriends Virgin!

One time he made a sex!

And also a crime scene. : (

(BUT NOT SAME TIME.)  

( Allegedly .)

Alex Jones said he told Roger like six months ago to admit to his love for The Jesus, because "boom," that's what Jesus wants. Alex Jones knows what Jesus likes.

Anyway, if there are any cops reading this who happen to be investigating whether or not Alex Jones has ever utilized his bathing suit area or committed any killings, we think he just confessed.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, because Jesus made Alex Jones's sins go away, just like he did with Roger.

Amen.

 www.youtube.com 

Did YOU do any killings? Don't tell us in this, your OPEN THREAD!

[ Media Matters ]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE! 

Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.