America Wants Alan Keyes For President!
Now that people have actually looked at Fred Thompson and realized he's not Sam Watterson but is actually a lazy mumbler who marries strippers, the search is on for a candidate who is actually a reincarnated Reagan. And as last night's atrocious debate proved, none of those geeks will ever be president of anything.
Who, oh who will be the conservative dreamboat to right our ship of state -- because a boat could conceivably right a ship, right? How about Alan Keyes? Remember him? If not, here's a primer:
* Keyes is so stiff and pompous, he even creeps out Al Gore.
* If he gets the nomination, we could have a hilarious repeat of the 2004 race for the Illinois Senate seat.
* It was in that race that Keyes said that Jesus Christ totally wouldn't vote for Barry Obama, because Jesus hates black people.
* Keyes called Mary Cheney a "gross slut" on the radio.
* Earned Michael Moore's endorsement by jumping into a mosh pit at a Rage Against the Machine show.
* Was roomies with Bill Kristol at Harvard.
* Has lost every race he's ever run, including two campaigns for the GOP nomination!
* Often made Walnuts and Dubya look even crazier/dumber than they are during the 2000 Republican debates.
* Hey ladies, he's a "trained opera singer."
* Delighted audiences around the world with his role as a pompous would-be politician in the Borat movie. Also, Borat reportedly gave Keyes "a Jew's rib."
We Need Alan Keyes For President [Christian News Wire]