Americans Sad To Be 'Stuck' In Europe, Due To Dinosaur-Killing Volcano Ash

Wonkette operative Lady MacBeth writes, "Jesus Christ, I'm stuck in the South of France. And all you people can do is cover tea party events??? There are so many of us stuck in Europe and humbled by language barriers and dirty laundry and stripey black-and-white shirts and Wonkette covers the tea party?!" Yeah well you know WHAT, "Lady," if that is your real (European) name?

This complaining about being "stuck" in Europe, it is like complaining about having too much money or too much cocaine or whatever people are excited about these days, maybe having "hella iPads." Anyway, sorry you fancy folks are TRAPPED in a land of good food and for-real socialized medicine and sexy people who don't have to wear size-XXXXXXXL sweat pants.

ALSO: This is good training for whatever inevitable apocalyptic disaster soon strikes the Earth, what with the "can't fly jet-planes full of Moroccan strawberries to the golf course in Scotland" problems and "can't fly my hookers back to Coachella," etc. STOP DOING THOSE THINGS, it is annoying. (Did you hear about the Pentagon being forced to fly its War-Wounded military personnel from the Middle East and Central Asia straight to America, instead of the big American Military Hospital Complex in Germany? Yeah nothing inherently wrong with *that* problem, is there?)

In the future, if we're lucky, there will be no passenger aeroplanes at all. We will, if we're very fortunate, travel to "the continent" a few times per life on a Great Big Clipper Ship, with solar sails and robot sex slaves, and it will take two or three weeks, and it will be awesome. [ AFP / CNN International ]