America's Drug Czar Enters Drug Treatment Center

“Drug czar” Gil Kerlikowske is the saddest man in America. First he can’t wage a write-in campaign for U.S. Senate in Alaska because his name is even more difficult to spell than that of Lisa Murkowski. And now, on his watch, we’re legalizing Mary Jane! Poor guy has apparently been driven off the wagon. The pressure, oh, the horror, that 51 percent of Californians are potheads (now that tobacco is illegal there, it’s the only way the workin’ man can mask the scent of his Marlboros: by rolling them with Humboldt skunk weed so the health cops will leave him alone) and they’re about to free da weed, and Czar Kerlikowske is having a breakdown. How do we know this?

Because the Associated Press told us so:

Director of National Drug Control Policy Gil Kerlikowske (kur-lih-KOW'-skee) is in Southern California on Wednesday for a visit to a drug treatment center.

Yup. He went west to campaign against Proposition 19 but immediately checked into a drug treatment center. AP’s stylebook never lies! He was last heard singing, from his straightjacket, “You say I gotta go to rehab, please vote no, no, no!” [ AP ]