An Exegesis Of Aubrey O'Day's Gross, Dumb, Don Trump Jr.-Boning Song, By A Doctor Of Rhetoric

Master and Commander? I don't even KNOW 'er!

Poor Fredo Trump has one complicated life. Not only is he regularly derided as the stupidest of the Trumplets and having his finances and fun parties in Trump Tower looked at in minute detail by Central Scrutinizer Bob Mueller, but last week his beloved spouse Vanessa filed for divorce,possibly because she suddenly woke up and realized she had married Donald Trump Jr. without really noticing. And now, on top of all that, the gossipy gossip mavens are reporting that multiple sources tell them that Don Jr. had him an affair with some pop music person and former "Celebrity Apprentice" contestant Aubrey O'Day, who was in a singing group called "Danity Kane," which was formed as part of a reality show, included no one by that name, and didn't even feature a sled. The story of the alleged affair was featured by both the New York Post'sPage Six column and by Us Weekly yesterday.

Apparently, Fredo and O'Day met on the set of "Celebrity Apprentice" in late 2011, possibly during one of Don Jr.'s frantic attempts to get his father to acknowledge his existence. Here, look, juicy celebrity gossip about people you never in your life wanted to think about naked:

“When it started, they were very serious all of a sudden,” a source close to O’Day tells Us. “He told her it was over with his wife, that they were separated and he didn’t love her — all of that stuff … Aubrey fell for him hard. She thought they were going to be together for real.”

Trump called off the affair in March 2012 after Vanessa found emails between her husband and O’Day. At the time of the affair, the couple had daughter Kai, now 10, and sons Donald Trump III, now 9, and Tristan, now 6.

The Post says all this happened while Vanessa was pregnant with the couple's fourth child, and that Donald Sr. told his son to "knock it off," so he broke off the affair with O'Day and semi-reconciled with Vanessa, at least until now. Thank Crom, Twitter had things to say about all of this:

It also turns out that Ms. O'Day wrote and performed a song titled "DJT," which no one on the internet seems to think is about the Dow Jones Transportation index of stocks. The song is framed as a phone call between O'Day (or a persona she's performing, because music is sophistimacated that way) and a male voice, of the man who done her wrong. Thank heavens for the interwebs, someone transcribed the spoken word interlude to these horrendous lyrics:  

Let us consider this text in all its postmodern splendor! The first thing we notice is this bit, particularly in light of the Trump administration's fondness for "alternative facts":

Wronged Woman: Whatever the truth is defines the reality of you and I forever, and I need to be able to define that before I can walk away.

Evil Ex: I thought it was forever at the time, but maybe I was lying to myself.

After we circle "You and I" and refer the student to check her pronouns, we have to say this is awfully circular reasoning: It first seems to assume an outside "reality" that will define the O'Day persona's memory of their relationship, but then shifts to a more personal definition of "truth" while asking the Ex to confirm or deny that "reality" -- clearly, these clashing subjectivities cannot coexist.

O’Day: Is that what you want? You wanna — you wanna believe that everything with me was a lie? A fantasy? And you want to go back and live in the life that you had — have — forever?

Ex: I don’t know. I couldn’t do what I said I would do. So that answered the question for me. I’ll always want you and I’ll always wonder about it, but it doesn’t matter because I have to stay here.

We're now settling down to an acceptance -- albeit one fraught with skepticism -- that the Ex may forever perceive the relationship as a "lie," although "O'Day" remains committed to her emotional truth as she sees it. She projects her grief at the loss of the relationship onto the Ex, who is probably, in reality, just thinking he'd like a delicious taco bowl from the restaurant in the lobby.

Ex: You know, I think probably the loss of the other world. I’m torn between two worlds, both of which I wanted.

Here, O'Day has the Ex voice an ambivalent desire to live in two worlds at once, which of course is the nature of the Multiverse but plays hell with scheduling and arranging an Uber.

Then there's a bunch of teen angsty stuff about her wanting him to confess his love so she can move on, and him holding back because that would make her more likely to keep clinging to what can no longer be, and soon we find ourselves wondering if any of this is as good a use of our time as watching cat videos, and concluding that no, it is not. That ending couplet is just too clichéd for words, puh-leeze.

Also, on election night 2016, O'Day apparently Tweeted, then later deleted, that "my story I didn't tell is worth millions now ;) ...this doesn't hurt me, it hurts America."

Ew, she saw Fredo nakey.

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[ NYP / US Weekly / The Root / Hello Giggles ]