Army Rides To Indians' Rescue, Shuts Down DAPL. Wonkagenda for Monday, December 5, 2016

A good Monday morning to you, Wonkers! We hope you got some rest this weekend because we've got some important stuff to tell you about that's been cleverly disguised as poop jokes and mommy blogging!

•  The Army Corps of Engineers will look for a new route for the Dakota Access Pipeline, and all it took was a bunch of hippies and Millennials and veterans standing with the Standing Rock Sioux.

•  Donald Trump took a phone call from the president of Taiwan possibly because heA)doesn't understand U.S.-China foreign policy,B)badly needed an ego boost,C)wants to build another hotel, orD)all of the above.

•  Trump has tapped Ben Carson to serve as the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, an administrative position Carson himself admitted he shouldn't hold because he has no qualifications.

•  Senate Democrats are stealing the GOP's "do nothing" policy by planning to delay and stall the confirmation of Trump appointees, presumably so the GOP can see what it's like when your partner drags their ass like a brat for eight years.

•  A federal judge has ordered a recount in Michigan so he must be a godless liberal heathen socialist who hates democracy and voted for Jill Stein and her Magic Rainbow Mushroom Brigade.

•  A Idiot from North Carolina drove to D.C. and entered a pizzaeria with several firearms to find the fake and impossible tunnels hiding kidnapped babies used in meat-tacular pizzas.

•  Terrified of Trump, libraries are taking steps to safeguard patrons so that if the federal government decides to start looking at more than just your porn habits you'll have some degree of privacy.

•  The Secret Service and New York City officials deny it will cost a million dollars a day to keep Trump Tower secure primarily because the bill hasn't arrived yet.

• POOR MEGYN KELLY! She might be the most hated person at Fox News, but nobody wants to pay Megyn Kelly for a show on another network because her wherever leaves a trail of blood that bears might follow.

• Conservative crazy ladies are super butthurt about Donald Trump! Ann Coulter is worried Trump might be a sell-out, and bigly skimp on building the wall or kicking out bad hombres from Not America, and Sarah Palin thinks Trump is conducting crony capitalism by filling his cabinet with Wall Street wretches. In other news, looks like Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin didn't get cabinet positions.

•  The Prime Minister of Italy has resigned amid a populist revolt that has the perpetually broke country looking for a new leader who can blame their problems on immigrants and the European Union.

•  Austria has elected Alexander Van der Bellen as president, a Green Party candidate who thought immigrants should be able to get gay married and have sexy parties instead of being oppressed and deported back to the war zones they tried to escape.

•  Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe will visit Pearl Habor because he feels super sad about that time Japan tried to make America not great.

•  A fake U.S. embassy run by an organized crime ring in Ghana was shut down when U.S. officials realized they weren't getting a cut of the $6,000 the gang charged for fake U.S. passports. What a gyp!

• And here's your morning Nice Time! It's SNL's cold open about Trump's inability to stop tweeting and retweeting stupid crap.