AT&T Buys An Idiot, Gets What It Paid For

Well, this is awkward.

YA THINK? Three days after the inauguration, you guys ink a deal to pay Trump's idiot lawyer $50,000/month for "insights" into the president's thought process (LOL!) and the inner working of the White House? Michael Cohen can't even keep a porn star quiet, but his deep thoughts on a multi-billion dollar telecoms merger are worth more than the best lobbyists in DC?

UH HUH.

By way of background, last year AT&T was seeking approval for a merger with Time Warner to provide you, the media consumer, with better service. Just kidding -- they want a bigger monopoly so they can jack up your cable bill even more. Welcome to late-stage capitalism!

Time Warner owns CNN, or as Donald Trump puts it "very FAKE NEWS CNN." Coulda been worse, though ...

CNN announces remake of Arnold Schwarzeneggar/Jamie Curtis movie "True Lies" that will star Maxine Waters and CNN personalities.

— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) July 5, 2017 

Oh, Mike Huckabee!

Donald Trump has long been on record opposing the merger, saying on the campaign trail,

As an example of the power structure I'm fighting, AT&T is buying Time Warner and thus CNN, a deal we will not approve in my administration because it's too much concentration of power in the hands of too few.

Which sounds very high-minded, if you ignore all the other crazy shit he's said and tweeted about CNN.

Check out the fact that you can’t get a job at ratings challenged @CNN unless you state that you are totally anti-Trump? Little Jeff Zuker, whose job is in jeopardy, is not having much fun lately. They should clean up and strengthen CNN and get back to honest reporting!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 3, 2018 

CNN’S slogan is CNN, THE MOST TRUSTED NAME IN NEWS. Everyone knows this is not true, that this could, in fact, be a fraud on the American Public. There are many outlets that are far more trusted than Fake News CNN. Their slogan should be CNN, THE LEAST TRUSTED NAME IN NEWS!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 9, 2017 

Because there's no better way to ensure confidence in the impartiality of the executive branch than attacking media outlets for their political coverage and making fun of Jeff Zucker's height. Also, there was that time when Jared Kushner made a HAHA FUNNY JOKE and told Time Warner Executive Gary Ginsburg to fire 20% of CNN's staff for having predicted Clinton would win the election. That Jared, always yukkin' it up!

For the record, you can be against the merger (which we are) and still think that using the Justice Department to target your political opponents is wildly un-American (which we do).

But back to AT&T, which seems to have gotten exactly nothing in exchange for the $600,000 it wired to Cohen's sexxxytimes payoff shell company Essential Consultants, LLC. In theory, Cohen would "focus on specific long-term planning initiatives as well as the immediate issue of corporate tax reform and the acquisition of Time Warner." After which he would run a sub-3-hour marathon and give a coherent explanation of attorney-client privilege, we guess.

In fact, the Justice Department sued to block the merger on anti-trust grounds, Robert Mueller came knockingwith a lot of unpleasant questions, the whole sordid arrangement was exposed, and AT&T's top DC executive is "retiring" immediately. So that worked out well!

Pro Tip: When you're trying to buy influence, make sure the peddler actually has some to sell you! And is not Michael Cohen. Who is A IDIOT!

 Follow your FDF on Twitter! 

 Please click here tofund us! It's not influence peddling -- it's BRAND SUPPORT! 

[ WaPo / WaPo, again / WSJ ]