Awww, Fox News Is A Feminist Now. How Adorable!

Fox News has a new logo

Welcome to the sisterhood, Fox News! We've been totally not expecting you because, duh, you are Fox News. You forbid your girl talkers from wearing pants, so they can show off their smokin' sexy girl legs. For journalism. And for Fox boss Roger Ailes to ogle silky girl skin through his glass desk. Mostly for that.

Who knew all it took was one blowhard jackass guy saying some mean stuff on the internet about your favorite blonde girl-reporter for you to become enlightened like a common social justice warrior man-hating lesbian hairy-armpitted feminazi?

Friday evening, Fox News released this statement responding to Trump:

“Donald Trump’s vitriolic attacks against Megyn Kelly and his extreme, sick obsession with her is beneath the dignity of a presidential candidate who wants to occupy the highest office in the land. Megyn is an exemplary journalist and one of the leading anchors in America — we’re extremely proud of her phenomenal work and continue to fully support her throughout every day of Trump’s endless barrage of crude and sexist verbal assaults. As the mother of three young children, with a successful law career and the second highest rated show in cable news, it’s especially deplorable for her to be repeatedly abused just for doing her job.”

Fox, we are quite pleasantly surprised to learn you have a problem with crude and sexist verbal assaults. We had no idea! One of your primetime super stars, "award-winning" "war correspondent" "journalist" and total fucking sleazebag Bill O'Reilly, once settled a lawsuit in which he was accused of sexually harassing a co-worker with his excessively poor vocabulary, from his excessively dumb facehole. And he may or may not have also, in a totally separate and unrelated incident, literally assaulted his own wife , with his bare hands, in front of his own daughter. Allegedly.

Boy, if you ever find out about that kind of sexist assault, Fox News, we assume you will have some very stern words for Mr. O'Reilly and his falafel!

Also, now that you have had your click moment, we assume we've seen the last of frequent guest Gavin McInnes, the bearded hipster doucheweasel who blames feminists for ruining his life and is quite sure they'd be far less miserable if they'd stick to house-wifing and baby-making. Or perhaps you will only invite him on air to say some racisms from now on. We assume that's still cool at Fox, right?

Perhaps we'll be seeing a little less of your favorite Catholic priest, Father Jonathan Morris. He's always ready to spew rightwing talking points about how the First Amendment protects religiously affiliated hospitals from having to provide lady healthcare, plus how unfair it is that the Duggar family lost its TV show just because Josh was exposed for finger-raping his kid sisters and his parents helped cover it up, for Jesus. That kind of reliable rhetoric from Father Morris seems a little inconsistent with your whole new attitude about chicks and sexism and assault and stuff.

Other "pro-lifers" who want to speechify big fat liesabout Planned Parenthood are going to have to find a new network, we suppose. Now that you, Fox News, are down with the downtown struggle, in our pants, it won't be quite so easy to devote dozens of episodes to calling abortion providers "baby killers" for the "crime" of legally and safely practicing medicine.

We really are going to miss those all-male panels of yours, explaining what the problem is with bitches, amirite? And the funny jokes about wife-beating. And the daytime chit chats about how feminists have destroyed womanhood and that is why god hates them. So radical!

[contextly_sidebar id="XDzy5uf7UfNQB1cnp486Gr30Pqk1B7Wr"]Most of all, though, we are really going to miss all of your quality time sympathetically listening to the ramblings of a certain presidential candidate who says Hillary Clinton and her husband's penis are the REAL SEXISTS. As we heard on your very network, before you realized how opposed you are to sexism, that kind of "misogynist, sexist" sex-having and "penchant for sexism" is why Hillary can never EVER talk about the Republican war on women, or sexism, or -- good god, definitely not -- how a certain presidential candidate regularly launches crude and sexist verbal assaults on women he doesn't like.

Yes, we're probably going to miss that most of all.

[ POLITICO ]