(Baby) Fox News: Evil Brainwashing Plot
Tiny furry orphans are coming for your family!
Upsetting news emerged from the devil’s anus (the anarcho-socialist Washington Post) this month — workers at a Virginia wildlife rescue center have taken to dressing as foxes (gay agenda) in order to cater to the special interest needs of that most demanding, entitled American constituency: baby foxes!
A video showed a staff member bottle-feeding the tiny creature, while wearing gloves and a red, furry, pointed mask to cover their human face.
“It’s important to make sure that the orphans that are raised in captivity do not become imprinted upon or habituated to humans,” the post said, adding that the mask meant “she doesn’t see a human face when feeding.”
“This is critically important if we are going to get her wild,” it said. Other precautions include minimizing human sounds and handling, and providing the kit with a snuggly toy fox to mimic the sensation of her mother.
This is an outrage for 1,776 reasons and then some more besides. For example, WaPo notes that the video from which the above screenshot was taken “recalls viral footage of keepers at the Wolong National Nature Reserve in China, who dressed in full-body panda suits while interacting with cubs.”
Are you screaming with full-bodied American patriot rage yet?! Anyway, the natural conclusion that your pasty, wild-eyed former childhood friend on Facebook will make is that China is taking over wildlife centers in the US in a dastardly plot to ruin Real America, and they are CORRECT.
P.S. ANYWAY IF YOU WANNA NO JOKE WEEP FOR REAL TODAY TO ACCESS THE FEELINGS YOU’VE REPRESSED SINCE CHILDHOOD HERE YOU GO.
So my snark got cheers in person today. My daughter and I hit the indoor farmers market each Saturday. She gets a cookie and I get to see other (usually) liberal adults. For the past month folks have been out front getting signature to get abortion rights on the ballet (refresher I'm in fucking missouri) I signed it the first week they were there.
Each week there are two bible thumpers there with forced birther signs and flyers pestering them. Mind you I don't look approachable...mostly on purpose, so thus far they had seen me and tucked tail each time. This week as I was chatting with the petition guy, the older male thumper turned to me and stuck a flier literally in my face and opened his mouth to start in...
Personal space is a big deal to me. I was going to ignore them so not to make a scene til then. When he opened his mouth I cut him off
Me "no! The moment you can push a baby out the tip of your dick, your opinion will matter to me!"
Male thumper :" I have a wife-"
Me: " you don't speak for your wife! Your wife speaks for your wife!"
The petition crew cheers and yelled "fuck yeah! Don't ever change!"
So yeah I did my snarky civic duty today.
The real outrage is the litter boxes provided for these workers.
OK, that didn't happen, but nothing outrages me more than things that didn't happen.