(Baby) Fox News: Evil Brainwashing Plot
Tiny furry orphans are coming for your family!
Upsetting news emerged from the devil’s anus (the anarcho-socialist Washington Post) this month — workers at a Virginia wildlife rescue center have taken to dressing as foxes (gay agenda) in order to cater to the special interest needs of that most demanding, entitled American constituency: baby foxes!
A video showed a staff member bottle-feeding the tiny creature, while wearing gloves and a red, furry, pointed mask to cover their human face.
“It’s important to make sure that the orphans that are raised in captivity do not become imprinted upon or habituated to humans,” the post said, adding that the mask meant “she doesn’t see a human face when feeding.”
“This is critically important if we are going to get her wild,” it said. Other precautions include minimizing human sounds and handling, and providing the kit with a snuggly toy fox to mimic the sensation of her mother.
This is an outrage for 1,776 reasons and then some more besides. For example, WaPo notes that the video from which the above screenshot was taken “recalls viral footage of keepers at the Wolong National Nature Reserve in China, who dressed in full-body panda suits while interacting with cubs.”
Are you screaming with full-bodied American patriot rage yet?! Anyway, the natural conclusion that your pasty, wild-eyed former childhood friend on Facebook will make is that China is taking over wildlife centers in the US in a dastardly plot to ruin Real America, and they are CORRECT.
P.S. ANYWAY IF YOU WANNA NO JOKE WEEP FOR REAL TODAY TO ACCESS THE FEELINGS YOU’VE REPRESSED SINCE CHILDHOOD HERE YOU GO.
The real outrage is the litter boxes provided for these workers.
OK, that didn't happen, but nothing outrages me more than things that didn't happen.
As some of you may know, my mother is, among other things, a seasoned comic actress.
Last night we got to see her in what may be the final role of her career in a dramatic role as the lead in “August: Osage County,” a *fucked-up* story about families and intergenerational trauma.
Ripped my goddamn guts out. I was far from alone, judging by the standing ovation she got.
Of course, my dumb ass had to stand up, point at her, face the audience and roar in my not-inconsiderable voice “THAT’S MY MOM!” She was embarrassed. I’d do it again. She’s amazing.