Barack Obama Hates God, Gives Money To Charities Instead Of Church

This past Friday the President released his tax returns for 2013. Little ink was spilled over this momentous occasion, because it was boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Like pretty much everyone else’s tax returns. In fact, the most interesting thing about the Obamas’ taxes is that they aren’t interesting: the majority of Bamz income comes from his Presidential salary. His books made a nice chunk of change, but a lot less than they did in 2012, which probably explains why they only gave 12 percent of their income to charity instead of last year's 25. (Joe Biden, God Love Him, managed to increase his frankly terrible charitable giving to about 5 percent.) So that's all, right?

What, are you new here? Of course that’s not all. Enter The Blaze. Did you know the President hates God? That’s right. The President only gave $1500 to St. John’s Church, thereby illustrating THE PROBLEM WITH AMERICA. The Obamas did give away $59,000, or about 12 percent, to totally God-hating causes like the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society and the Red Cross. But they don’t count because that isn’t “tithing.”

It’s only tithing if you give your moneys to a church. Charities don’t count. ‘Course a quick googling also suggests that we should be tithing in olive oil and wine , but something tells us that Pat Robertson will not be accepting that FedEx package.

But, The Blaze is not mad at Obama. They have long been aware of the President’s Godlessness. Unless he’s a fanatic Godless Muslim. Maybe both? No, The Blaze is mad at you . Because you have followed Bamz's lead and refused to follow the Word of God. Only 5% of Americans tithe. You selfish asshats only gave $101 billion to religious organizations last year. That means that $215 billion that you could have given to God went to secular charities.

In fact, it’s possible that Bamz not only influenced you, he somehow retroactively went back in time to 2005 and influenced President George W. Bush into only donating 10.3% of his income to both secular and religious organizations . We can’t know for sure, because we don’t have itemized charitable deductions for the Bush years, so maybe Dubya was just stingy with the Godless.

Of course, we also thought that the Conservative argument against capping charitable deductions was that charities are governed by the free market and are therefore magically immune to the bloat of a government funded social safety net, so please to lower our taxes and we cross-our-hearts promise to give more moneys to charity and we’ll fix that pesky poverty problem you’ve got going on over there, but apparently God is going to want his cut first, so we guess it’s tough titties for those whiners with lymphoma.

[ White House / TheBlaze ]