Obama Hits Weird-Japanese-Commercial Portion of Presidency

This week, Barack Obama went over to Asia to see what happens when a model minority owns an entire continent. He obvs already knew, because his hippie mom made him live there in some off-the-grid shack for a hot minute with a foreign non-daddy, but it was worth another look to see if anything had changed, like if a sizable portion of the population had lost or gained an epicanthic fold.

On Monday in New Delhi, Bam-Bam did whatever -- organized his shoes in the hotel closet, called for India to become a permanent member of the U.N. Security Council, who fucking knows -- while Michelle Obama toured an arts and crafts museum with girls from local slums. To put it in U.S. terms, this is like a child with only one Xbox getting on her ‘08 Dell laptop to look at Etsy.com.

I’d also like to pause here to salute Jake “-son Sudeikis” Tapper and the boys at Political Punch for entitling one Monday post “As Namaste As He Wants To Be.” YOU WIN THIS ROUND, TAPPER.

On Tuesday in Jakarta, President Yudhoyono gave Bammerz a gold medal to honor his moms, who as it turns out studied in Indonesia for over a decade AND got her frickin’ Ph.D. for a study of rural Javanese metalworkers. WTF? Obamom was badass! Barry spent so much time talking up his grandma on the campaign trail, but I missed this whole “mom-was-a-genius-who-got-her-doctorate-three-years-before-she-died” thing.

On Wednesday, Obama was in Seoul, South Korea, a popular destination for infertile white Americans. Because Obama is not technically white, he did not pick up an adorable little brother for Malia and Sasha whilst there. Rather, he went to a U.S. Army base to do veterinary things, with cats or turtles maybe? He also talked mad shit on North Korea. I’d like to see him try that crap in Pyongyang! You KNOW he’d be all nice and shit to their faces.

On Thursday, the G20 decided to light a huge spliff, turn on G4, and fap to the pretty ladies talking about the machines. Barack Obama is a huge Attack of the Show fan, did you know this? Then they watched old episodes of Web Soup , because Michelle hearts her some Chris Hardwick.

On Friday, which is today, Obama took a satisfying dump. I don’t know when, but I know it happened. Isn’t it weird to think about the president pooping? Have you ever thought of this before? Have you heard that LBJ used to freak out reporters by talking to them on the toilet? This is what a cute boy told me. Squeeee! (I wish it were Jake Tapper, but he is busy dating January Jones and being on SNL, so he was not in fact the cute boy in question.)

That’s all for this week, you stinking, filthy fuckaducks. Go watch “127 Hours,” I guess? I want to go see it so that I can yawn ostentatiously at the conclusion and yell, “127 hours? Felt like 127 daaaaaaays!” Spoiler alert: One-armed James Franco fucks me for a long time onscreen, and then kills Harrison Ford’s wife. Then he fucks me more, the end.