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Barry Gives Richard Gere The Finger
It is no secret that this column relies heavily on the contributions of your Official White House Videographer, one Arun Chaudhary.It is also no secret that this columnist (Richard Cohen with bigger tatas) becomes enraged when Arun thinks it is okay to go away to places like Sudan and not put up a brand-new domestic "West Wing Week"(this is the dirty sex serial that Arun churns out each week using only a laptop, a flip-cam and Hope.) But this week, your public-access Internet teevee slave made up for last week by bringing a whole buttload of domestic video AND Kal Penn AND extremely hot presidential aide Reggie Love(1: 50!!). Also: anal rape and China.
Last Friday, your Bammerz allowed another president to enter his sacred meditation space. Obama and President Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan put on their outfits from Lululemon (TM) and did a full set of sun salutations. Then they drank organic brown rice tea and talked about their favorite celebrity yoga teachers. Obama enjoys Shiva Rea, while Zardari prefers Chaz Rough. Haha, j/k, they talked about paying some 22-year-old raised on video games to use his epic flight simulator skills to bomb the fuck out of wedding parties from the comfort of his office back in the U.S. of A. When you consider the wedding parties in question are probably forced unions between 12-year-old girls and their 75-year-old uncles, this takes on a whole new tinge of awesome!
On Monday, the handsomest man to ever run this free country celebrated Black Day and also the repeal of DADT by painting fruit on the walls of a middle school in D.C. (NOT WATERMELONS! Racism!11!!11!)
On Tuesday, your president wrote a gay love letter to Big Bidness in the Wall Street Journal , probably whilst sitting in the bejeweled lap of alpha Republihag Peggy Noonan.
On Wednesday, Chinese dictator-at-large Hu Jintao came for a visit. For funz, he showed Bammerz the exact proper technique for anally raping peaceful, Yoda-like clergy with a cattle prod. Is this just another example of crude imagery masquerading as KKKomedy? No, it is in fact a thing that China has reportedly done to Tibetan Buddhists (not Richard Gere, calm down.) Now you have learned something that you didn't know, unless you went to a librul fartz college in the '90s, in which case you were told about cattle prod butt rape every day in your Diversity Studies class.
On Thursday, Biggity Bam Bamz paid tribute to the second-hottest preznit ever to give a lady the Double O Treatment (this is where you make a woman have two orgasms, in the Oval Office, by any means necessary -- it can be Marilyn Monroe, your impressionable beret-sporting intern or the former Michelle Robinson, who is so fucking pretty it hurts to look at her.)
Well, that's all for now, assholes. I hope you've fapped yourself raw and have to spend the rest of the weekend with your dong inside an Igloo cooler, repenting for your sins. Should you be in New York City this weekend, I am doing this thing and you might enjoy it. If you say you are a Wonkette reader, I will give you free stuff from my house (I'm cleaning.) This is not a joke and will remain true for all of my shows until the end of time, so probably you should take advantage of it, you sick fetishistic fuckholes. Maybe you can also meet the coquettish Jack Stuef, if he actually shows up, which he won't because he is too good for us. Also, I haven't asked him yet.