Ben Carson Prematurely Ejaculates Presidential Announcement

Dr. Ben Carson, who is very good at being a neurosurgeon but doesn't seem to have other strengths, officially announces his candidacy to lose to Hillary Clinton in Detroit today, but whoops, guess he couldn't keep the "secret" any longer, because he "leaked" the news to WHAM ABC 13 in Rochester on Sunday. In the interview, Carson sleepily says that he is "willing to be part of [that] equation," presumably the equation required to save America from all the economic growth and healthcare wrought by evil Obama's reign of terror. Therefore he will run for president! Hurray, is 2016 over yet?

Carson told the interviewer why, precisely, he wants to be president:

"I began to ask myself, why are people clamoring for people to do this? I represented a lot of the same thoughts that they have. I'm not 100% sure that politics as usual is going to save us. I think we're in a severe problem ... a problematic situation."

Yes, America is truly on the precipice of disaster, what with millions more having healthcare, and unemployment rates dropping, the Dow setting new records all the time, et cetera. Carson isn't a politician, but he knows he has to do this, because the people are literally begging him for it, unlike Carly Fiorina, who is having to beg the American people to beg her to lose in 2016.

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So, what kind of leader would Carson be, if he somehow managed to get elected (don't laugh, it could happen)? Well, we know he is very, very good at surgery, having been the first to separate twins conjoined at the head. MAYBE HE CAN DO THE SAME SURGERY ON AMERICA, just replace "conjoined twins" with something Tea Party-ish about the poors and their entitlements. You're welcome, wingnuts!

On foreign policy, he's already told us that we could totally defeat ISIS if there were just more good guys with guns in the Middle East. And he's definitely ready to destroy ISIS forever, by getting rid of all those silly "rules of war," which are clearly there only to appease peacenik liberals who believe in things like "war crimes" and "murder." He's also certain thatIsrael needs to cut it out with all their too-tough-to-understand parliamentary system, and replace it with the simple two-party system we have in these United States, because that works so well.

Most importantly, Carson knows exactly what kind of surgery America needs to deal with our whole "gay agenda" problem, even though he's not supposed to be talking about gay things anymore, because whenever he does that, he accidentally says that prison sex makes you gay. We just need to carve out (with a scalpel, GET IT?) special rights for anti-gay wingnuts to be able to discriminate against the homos, because that's only fair.

As far as science goes, Carson was for it before he was against it. He knows that evolution is a great big prank scientists are playing on real Americans, but at least he does say yes, vaccinate your fucking kids, because he is a doctor and there is apparently a limit to the pseudo-scientific woo that he's willing to embrace. But don't worry, he's here to reassure the wingnuts that vaccines are only necessary because foreigns are bringing their gross exotic diseases across the Rio Grande, so we naturally have to protect ourselves from that.

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So, congratulations to our new presidential contender, Dr. Ben Carson. May he continue to say all the stupid things, so that yr Wonkette can write about them and laugh, up until the point that he loses the nomination because he's almost as devoid of charisma as Marco Rubio, SNOOZE.

[ WHAM ABC 13 ]