Beto O'Rourke Packing Up His Air-Drumsticks And Your Diner's Countertops And Going Home

Why is he taking your diner's countertops, that's RUDE!

There comes a time in every Democratic primary featuring more than 18 serious candidates and Marianne Williamson when you want to murder everyyyyyyone -- when the people who had once seemed so joyful and sparkling if a little bit of a MAYOR OF A TOWN OF LIKE NINE PEOPLE, PETE, begin to set your teeth on edge, PETE. 

Perhaps Beto O'Rourke, our lovely angsty Hamlet man, set your teeth on edge too. Sure, a three-term congressman from Texas would be swell in the Senate from Texas, particularly considering his great virtue of being Not Ted Cruz. But what did he bring to a run for the presidency that better-qualified Democratic primary opponents didn't? No, we already know: He brought a dick! (The better-qualified opponents we are talking about are Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren and NOBODY ELSE. Shut up is why!)

But now that O'Rourke is dropping out of the race to be the Democrat To Defeat Trump, it seems like we can only remember the good times! How he made Meghan McCain  lose her marshmallow mind  over his polite promise to take her assault rifles, which she probably should not be shooting on Jell-O shots anyway. 

U.S. Senate Candidate Beto O'Rourke Air-Drumming to The Who's 'Baba O'Riley'    www.youtube.com 

Beto O'Rourke is great on gun-grabbing, and we are for it, and Beto O'Rourke is also great on explaining racism to white people, and we're for that too, and Beto O'Rourke is also ... yeah no, that's honestly probably it. He's kind of been doing that PETE thing where he's attacking Medicare For All after being for Medicare For All . (Those links are for Beto, you'll have to google Pete for yourself, PETE.) He was for a wealth tax and then attacked Elizabeth Warren for being "punitive" with her wealth tax. Oh did I say "and then," implying that one happened before the other? I meant they occurred simultaneously.

"Sometimes I think that Senator Warren is more focused on being punitive or pitting some part of the country against the other, instead of lifting people up and making sure that this country comes together around those solutions," Mr. O'Rourke said, even as he said that a wealth tax was "part of the solution" for addressing income inequality.

Dude, the fuck?

Breathe, it's fine. In. Out. Lotus position. Maybe a joint. Perhaps, like Obama when he made Hillary Clinton his secretary of State after what was honestly a grossly racist campaign, Elizabeth Warren will magnanimously forgive him for being a snipy little jerk a couple times (tensions run high, etc., blah blah) and make him her vice president. He'd probably be fine at it: eloquent, handsome, ceremonial, and just a little ridiculous. That is how we like 'em.