BP Using Paper Towels To Heroically Save Us From Obama's Oil Spill

Over the past year or so, our nation's finest celebrities and citizens with camcorders have come together to help us gather up the sweet, sweet oil that is shooting into Mexico's ocean and trying to get to freedom on America's shores. There hasn't been much success so far, but our friends at British Petroleum have lent a hand with a brilliant new plan : soak it up with paper towels.

Cleanup crews are on the scene right now tearing off individual paper towels and randomly dropping them in the gunk. And the results speak for themselves! (There are some paper towels here and there, in the oil.)

Also, there's a dead dolphin in the vicinity of the paper towels (Grande Isle State Park, Louisiana), which is sad/gross.

To be fair to BP and its lazy, inept contractors, these paper towels are not paper towels per se , but rather "slightly thicker, oil-absorbent pads." So do not call them "paper towels." Call them "Maxi pads." [ Mother Jones ]