BREAKING: Donald Trump Wins Iowa Caucuses!

Donald Trump with his First Lady AKA his daughter.

[contextly_sidebar id="wOYC8ayVeg9aZM0NDuoDGZXxjsxRC6JM"]Guys, hot off the presses and BREAKING! and all of that stuff. The final Iowa caucus results have been released, by Donald Trump's brain, and it turns out Ted Cruz did NOT win. Turns out Trump was the winner all along, but you didn't know that because you are not terrific like he is:

Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump on Sunday said he wouldn’t characterize his second-place finish in the Iowa caucuses a “loss,” arguing that he still did very well and would have come in first if primary rival Ted Cruz hadn’t taken votes from Ben Carson.

“It wasn’t a loss, I came in second,” Trump said on CNN’s “State of the Union.” “And I only came in second because of the fact that Cruz took a lot of votes away from Carson that should not have been taken away.”

“But my second-place finish, which was substantially second place – I mean, [Sen. Marco] Rubio wasn’t that close – and my second-place finish – which, again, I say was first place – but my second-place finish had more votes than anybody in the history of that whole thing’s history – that includes everybody – other than Cruz,” he added.

SUBSTANTIALLY SECOND PLACE. His dog SUBSTANTIALLY ate his homework, and he SUBSTANTIALLY scored fewer points in Iowa, like a common Carolina Panther, but can't you see how he made SUBSTANTIAL second place history? It was the YOOGEST, most gold-plated second place finish of all recorded history!

[contextly_sidebar id="UXFZmHgh2cjC48yGXpWKZR6gxqFAuNQg"]And sure, Ted Cruz's dirty Canadian tricks have been well documented. Trump used the word "fraud" to describe the mailer the Cruz campaign sent about how all the cows in Iowa were guilty of "voter violations" because they don't caucus as hard as the cows who live on the next farm over. And he's right, that shit was GROSS, yo.

[contextly_sidebar id="hMKEKugImIID9fmo9ddXxpD8ePyGuW59"]And it does look like the Cruz campaign did bad things to Ben Carson's no-no zone by letting voters believe the brain surgeon was quitting the campaign so he could spend more time fighting crime at the Popeyes Organization of his choice.

[contextly_sidebar id="krtRcWKbfPGlGx4YcR3VCVYK94fEKsDW"]The point is that this all means that Donald Trump SUBSTANTIALLY won the Iowa caucuses, except for the part about how Ted Cruz won, and Cruz's results probably aren't valid anyway, because psssssst, is Cruz even American enough to run for president anyway? Probably not. All hail the real president of Iowa, Donald J. Trump!

[ The Hill ]