BREAKING: PANDA CAM DOWN

Where is Drudge with that fucking siren!?! Okay, everyone: Deep breath. The panda cam (at Animal Planet, where they don't LIMIT YOU to 15 minutes like some Zoos I know) is down. What is Butterstick doing? We don't know! Is he tumbling down his rock pile? Contemplating his paws? Humping the cage bars? Possibly pushing cute beyond previously known boundaries? THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL. FUCK YOU NATIONAL ZOO WHAT KIND OF MONSTERS ARE YOU!!!!!

Shhh. It's okay. Look on the bright side -- national productivity will explode. We may end the war on terror or something. In the meantime, the rest of the world has officially discovered the Stick and his Buttery Goodness is in still form everywhere. The Washington Times even tries to make the case Butterstick is a "chick magnet," and the boys don't get it but the little girls understand: "Guys don't go for the cuddly stuff....Men just don't really like cutesy." We know some panda queens who would beg to differ. Speaking of, we understand that the Zoo has dubbed the Stick "the nation's panda," which we think is like being "the people's princess," only without the anorexia. We hope.

 Chick magnet [WT]