BREAKING: Some Candidates From Mars, Others From Venus

If you're a pollster forced to call and call and call people and ask them who they want to be president months and months before any of them will get to vote, there's only one thing to do to assuage the boredom: slice and dice the demographic categories! The Associated Press has published an article that contained way too many numbers for your liberal arts major guest blogger to process comfortably, but here are some nuggets that we've been able to extract:

* Democratic ladies sure love Hillary! Because she's a lady like them, you see. Also, more ladies like non-candidate Gore than like Edwards, even though Gore is fat and boring and Edwards is a devilishly handsome fellow with a spunky, cancer-stricken wife.

* Democratic men also like Hillary, because they're whipped. They also like Obama, because they're gay.

* Thompson comes out on top among GOP men, just ahead of Rudy. Old married men particularly like Thompson, because he allows them to live out their fantasies of being old, fat, and ugly but sleeping with young pretty blonde ladies.

* Republican women back Rudy by a large margin. Even Republican women are surprised by how large the margin is, because even Republican women think that Republican women are shallow. "He's no George Clooney, you know," one remarks, referring to the candidate's well-known ferret-faced ugliness.

* Men are much stupider than women. A male Thompson supporter makes the bizarre claim that "playing on the police shows he's on, he does present a hard-nosed, law-and-order-type guy," while a female skeptic points out that "I haven't seen him make any real political statements, or have to make any decisions that would pertain to the people of the United States."

* Nobody particularly likes Mitt Romney.

Future polls will reveal the way that white people vote like this but black people vote likethis.

 With Clinton, Thompson, 2008 Could Be True Battle of the Sexes [AP via FOX]