Bristol Palin Mumbles Dumbly To Alaska 'Rock Jocks'

America's princess, Bristol Palin, did anexclusivephone-in with these two minor-market FM morning show announcers all about the mysteries of her life -- and she called in from her Arizona stucco ghetto foreclosure about 50 miles outside of Phoenix, surrounded by garbage and cotton fields and bits of rock, and you can almostseeher, in your mind, sitting on the floor of maybe the fourth bedroom, staring vacantly at the broken mini-blinds hanging lopsided over the dusty window, and she's got a Taco Bell bag on the floor and she's just chomping on various items (Taco Bun, Double Taco Bun Supreme, Lard Lick, etc.) between her mush-mouth squeak answers to these obsequious dolts on the classic rock station up in Wasilla. Justlistento these brown-nosers, it's like Sarah drove over there on her quad or whatever before the segment and threatened tosaw off their nutsif they didn't display proper groveling diffidence to this 20-year-old known for getting pregnant once, many years ago, when she was a teen-ager and John McCain was running for president.

Also! Bristol has a new boyfriend! Oh he is just the best. And she's trying to change Tripp's last name to something other than "Johnston," the name of the child's father, because she don't like Levi no more. ("Tripp Sausage Burger" has a nice ring, you think?) But it's just some kind ofgossip, and also it is true, because shehasasked Levi if he's cool with that, but she doesn't remember what happened, ever.

Here, see how much of this you can listen to before jumping out of a first-floor window:

Oh god, this is so awful. But you MUST LISTEN TO THE END, to this Worst Radio Interview In History, because that's when she claims anArizonaradio station OFFERED HER A JOB AS A RADIO HOST PERSONALITY. This is so incredible. Howard Stern does have "characters" like Bristol but they certainly aren't thehost. (You know how Howard Stern has these brain-damaged characters who are real people, we guess? "Blubber Mouf" and "Crack Pipe Joe" and the like? Bristol could probably do something like that, if there was something funny about her?)

Anyway, this is all to say that Sarah Palin has beenremarkablyquiet for probably longer than she has ever shut up in her Life of Fame. What is going on, we wonder? What would cause Sarah Palin to actually shut up, for once? [ Huffington Post ]