So here is the illustration for this week's Bloomberg Businessweek cover story about how hedge funds are underperforming and going all limp and stuff. It appears that Businessweek wants some attention, class, so let's all give Businessweek our undivided attention. Are you happy now, Businessweek? We are all looking at you now.
Oh, there's an article by Sheetah Kolhatkar there, too, explaining how hedge funds are not the hot throbbing rock-hard investment ramrods they've been made out to be, and that they actually are pretty iffy investments. That's there, too. Big surprise -- hedge funds actually have been lagging the S&P 500 stock index, while hedge fund managers continue collecting huge fees so that they can write whiny WSJ op-eds about how free soup causes homelessness.
We feel kind of bad for Sheetah Kolhatkar, because we have a feeling that nobody's actually reading her pretty well-sourced article in the flurry of dick jokes. There's some good stuff in there, too, like this concise summary of the wishful thinking at the heart of the hedge fund business:
Hedge funds are built on the idea that a smarter guy (and they are almost all guys; only 16.8 percent of managers are women) with a better computer can make miracles possible by uncovering inefficiencies in the market or predicting the future ... Yet traders face the immutable fact that every second, each megabyte of information, blog post, one-line rumor, revenue estimate, or new product order from China has already been taken into account by the efficient market and reflected in a security’s price.
Ha-ha, we like that funny joke about "the efficient market" -- good one! Still, it's a pretty good analysis of why hedge funds are kind of a scam, and we actually read all three pages, because Yr. Wonkette is actually expected to read the stuff we write about, mostly. And yes, without the dumb cover illustration, we probably would not have even read the thing, but here is the double-edged phallic symbol: we couldn't stop thinking of wiener jokes, because come on! We only made it all the way through the end of the story by reminding ourselves of our Duty to the Readers, which we then realized was to make dick jokes anyway.
Also, did you see that illustration? It's like a big ol' peener!
Wonkette commenters may wish to remember that comments making reference to the brand names of popular erectile dysfunction medications are likely to get shuffled off into the spam filter. If your comment vanishes, try rephrasing without the brand name, maybe.
And deep.
Moar SECs!!
In the meantime... If it's soft you can't beat it. If it's hard...