Cadet Bone Spurs Orders Great Big Military Parade For No Reason At All

Image stoled gleefully from Mr. Charlie Pierce 

We really need to stop saying Donald Trump is a brainless dolt who can't keep his mind focused on anything for more than a few seconds, because when he gets a seriously stupid idea in his head -- like, say, wanting a big grand military parade through the streets of Washington DC -- that sucker will end up lodged in there more firmly than "It's a Small World" or that damn song from Frozen (you're welcome!). Since the presidency is something America lets Donald Trump amuse himself with, Donald Trump is damn well getting a military parade, according to officials who spoke anonymously to the Washington Post. We may have the greatest military machine in the world, but that doesn't stop TrumpWorld from leaking like a Soviet-era nuclear submarine.

Trump made his longstanding desire for a big military parade known during a January 18 meeting held in a secure Pentagon facility that's usually "reserved for top-secret discussions," the Post said, although the story didn't specify whether the meeting was called for the purpose of talking about a parade, or if Trump just blurted out the demand when he got bored in the middle of talks on something important:

Surrounded by the military’s highest-ranking officials, including Defense Secretary Jim Mattis and Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Joseph F. Dunford Jr., Trump’s seemingly abstract desire for a parade was suddenly heard as a presidential directive, the officials said.

“The marching orders were: I want a parade like the one in France,” said a military official who spoke on the condition of anonymity because the planning discussions are supposed to remain confidential. “This is being worked at the highest levels of the military.”

Another unnamed official from the White House said that the parade is only in the "brainstorming" phases and that "Right now, there’s really no meat on the bones." It could be just about anything as long as it's big and loud and makes Trump happy in his swimsuit area:

“The president wants to do something that highlights the service and sacrifice of the military and have a unifying moment for the country,” the official said.

He wants to honor the service and sacrifice of the military? Hey, he could commit to reducing wait times and providing better care for PTSD at Veterans Administration hospitals, maybe! Even better, he could give us all some kind of hint he won't throw their lives away -- and a few million Koreans, we suppose they matter too -- in a war against North Korea to prove his button is biggest.

As has been previously reported and mocked, Trump came into office with a stiffy for military parades, was disappointed his inauguration wasn't marked with a military parade, and was re-inspired to do this stupid thing when he visited France last July and watched their big military parade for Bastille Day with Emmanuel Macron. Boy, does he love a parade!

Trump was awestruck by the tableau of uniformed French troops marching down Avenue des Champs-Elysees with military tanks, armored vehicles, gun trucks and carriers — complete with fighter jets flying over the Arc de Triomphe and painting the sky with streaks of blue, white and red smoke for the colors of the French flag.

He apparently couldn't stop talking about the nifty parade all the way back home on Air Force One, and said he wanted one of his own, he wanted it, and he would hold his breath until he got one. And he wanted a big white horse and sunglasses and a spiffy uniform with epaulettes and a big gun of his very own. He just wouldn't let the idea go, no he would not. And when he saw Macron again at the UN in September? There may have been some talk about trade and security and boring stuff, but mostly, President Tittybaby wanted to talk PARADES:

Trump: "We're actually thinking about, 4th of July, Pennsylvania Avenue, having a really great parade to show our military strength." pic.twitter.com/sowDJdNvaY 

— NBC News (@NBCNews) September 18, 2017