Can Donald Trump Jr. And Erik Prince Please Go The Fuck To Jail Yet?

In our last post, we noted that the angry crickets who live on the president's grundle (allegedly) are EXTRA MAD right now over a whole bunch of things related to the Russia investigation. Donald Trump is super jittery and more insane than usual over how a SECRET AGENT NINJA INFORMANT either invaded his campaign (Trump version of story) or brushed up against some of the Russian intelligence assets working on his campaign, to try to figure out what was going on (reality). This is obviously unconstitutional and tyrannical, according to the Bill of Rights, which says anything that makes the president's grundle crickets itch is illegal.

Trump is also mad because ANOTHER illicit collusion-y Trump Tower meeting in 2016 has been revealed. It happened in August, and it featured Donald Trump Jr. just like the June 2016 Trump Tower meeting, but THIS TIME instead of a buncha burly Russian spies and a Russian lady lawyer promising secret Hillary sexxx dirts, it was a passel of Middle Easterners and Erik Fucking Prince, the snotty little twink brother of Betsy DeVos and Blackwater sadist whose company is now called "Kaboodles" or something (Academi), and who is a certified piece of shit well-known for lying to Congress. He arranged the meeting because of goddamn course he arranged the meeting, because Erik Prince doesn't think your dumb American laws about how foreigns are not allowed to contribute to American campaigns apply to him. SPOILER, they were there to offer illegal assistance to the campaign. And it looks like Prince lied to Congress about this meeting too!

Let's go to the White House's official statements on the matter before we briefly look at the meat of the story:

Things are really getting ridiculous. The Failing and Crooked (but not as Crooked as Hillary Clinton) @nytimes has done a long & boring story indicating that the World’s most expensive Witch Hunt has found nothing on Russia & me so now they are looking at the rest of the World!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 20, 2018 

The Witch Hunt finds no Collusion with Russia - so now they’re looking at the rest of the World. Oh’ great!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 20, 2018 

BRB gotta laugh our entire face off while we marvel at the reality that the actual president of the United States, the leader of the free world, is THIS GODDAMNED FUCKING STUPID.

Nowhere in the New York Times report does it say they've found nothing on Russia. Indeed, they have found shit tons on Russia. Some of it we know about, but most of it Robert Mueller is keeping a secret until he's good and ready to reveal it. Mister President, being a reality TV man, should know you never just blow directly into revealing who gets the rose from the Bachelor. You have to build anticipation, and then you have to go to commercial for a little bit, and then you blow everybody's fucking mind when you reveal that actually the Bachelor picked some dude named Chad and they are going on "The Amazing Race" together RIGHT NOW.

This is like that, but with shitloads of people eventually going to jail for conspiring with a hostile foreign power to steal American democracy.

Along with whatever Russian spies were hiding in Junior's underwear, the cast of characters for this meeting included Prince; Stephen Miller for some reason; an Israeli "social media specialist" named Josh Zamel, and George Nader (a biiiiiiiig cooperating witness in Robert Mueller's investigation now, so obviously this meeting was not a surprise to Mueller), who was there to tell Junior that his BFFs, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Zayed al-Nahyan of Abu Dhabi and Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia, send their KEEEEEEESES to the Trump campaign, and also, you know, whatever other help they might need. (Same two princes we've been hearing about a lot lately, by the way. Jared likes to have sleepovers with the Saudi one. Maybe leaks American intel to him. YOLO!)

Let's not skip over Mr. Zamel too fast either. He's no common Israeli, but rather a dude who, according to NYT, worked for the Emirati royal court, and whose former company worked for ... Oleg Deripaska! That's right, Paul Manafort's former employer who is Putin's favorite oligarch! And that firm also worked for ... Dmitry Rybolovlev! YES, that man with the un-spell-able name who very strangely bought a south Florida mansion from Donald Trump for $100 million, just a few years after Trump had picked it up in foreclosure for only $41 million!

Rybolovlev never moved into the house, because do people even buy property from Donald Trump so they can live in it ? They're just gigantic laundry rooms, is what we hear. (GET IT? FOR MONEY.)

So here's how Trump Tower Meeting 2.0 went down, according to the New York Times:

Mr. Prince opened the meeting by telling Donald Trump Jr. that “we are working hard for your father,” in reference to his family and other donors, according to a person familiar with the meeting. He then introduced Mr. Nader as an old friend with deep ties to Arab leaders.

How nice of them!

Remember how Junior was really upset the Russians didn't give him the dirt he wanted in the June 2016 Trump Tower meeting? He reportedly did not get so upset in the August 2016 Trump Tower meeting:

Donald Trump Jr. responded approvingly, according to a person with knowledge of the meeting, and after those initial offers of help, Mr. Nader was quickly embraced as a close ally by Trump campaign advisers — meeting frequently with Jared Kushner, Mr. Trump’s son-in-law, and Michael T. Flynn, who became the president’s first national security adviser.

YAY! NO COLLUSION! NO COLLUSION! DONALD TRUMP'S BEST FIRSTBORN SON IS THE COLLUSION!

And his son-in-law is the collusion and his literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn is the collusion. And Paul Manafort.

(For the record, Junior's mob lawyer Alan Futerfas says Junior got bored at this meeting too. LOL bullshit, we all know Junior was hard the whole time.)

We know a lot of what comes after that. Secret meetings during the transition in Trump Tower with George Nader and Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner and Michael Flynn; the secret meeting in the Seychelles attended by Erik Prince (that he lied about to Congress ) and George Nader and some fucking Kremlin-connected money man named Kirill Dmitriev; all these weird fucking conspiracies that somehow involve Trump assholes, Russian spies AND Middle Eastern sheiks ALL AT THE SAME TIME; and Michael Flynn's secret plans to recolonize the Middle East and divide the spoils between everybody who's in on the conspiracy, and holy shit we don't even know what else!

Probably lots of money laundering/hiding the evidence, if we had to hazard a guess! The Times reports that Nader indeed funneled millions of money after the election to the Israeli social media man with all the ties to Russia! Dunno why! Probably no big deal!

To be honest, we still don't even know what to make of all this shit, but you can bet your ass Robert Mueller does. Read the whole NYT piece for yourself, and see what you can make of it!

Rudy Giuliani has thoughts on what Robert Mueller's investigation of this meeting and what came after means. They are as dumb as all of Rudy Giuliani's thoughts:

“It shows them at the end of the road — are we now going to check Africa and South America?” Mr. Giuliani said.

SHOULD THEY, RUDY? ARE YOU CONFESSING TO ANOTHER TRUMP CRIME?

We will update this story when Robert Mueller starts checking Africa and South America, even if he's doing it for no reason other than it's funny to make Trump's dick itch like this.

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[ New York Times ]