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Can John McCain Stop The Mormon Cricket Invasion?
Mormon crickets: If you live, say, anywhere in the American West, you know these horrifying animals as a persistent cannibal scourge that can form a phalanx a mile across and two miles long, marching through the desert in search of food. If you are a senator "from" Arizona who grew up in Virginia and spent most of his life in Washington D.C., they are a punch line to a terrible joke.
Towns across Nevada and Utah are bracing for swarms of Mormon crickets to invade this year, and will use everything from poison to loud music to repel the "blood-red, ravenous insects" who fuckingeat each other,for food, in their inexorable march across the desert.
Sometimes the bodies get stacked so high that municipalities hire in snowplows to get them off the road. Oh and also, they will get into your house and just sit on your forehead while you sleep, looking at you and wondering how they are going to cram over a hundred pounds' worth of human flesh down their gullets.
John McCain should act like a True American Hero and volunteer to serve as Mormon cricket "bait" this spring.
Against Insect Plague, Nevadans Wield Ultimate Weapon: Hard Rock [Wall Street Journal]