Remember that Dutch-Canadian couple who decided to move to Russia with eight of their children? ICYMI, Arend and Anneesa Feenstra saw pride flags on the streets of Saskatchewan and decided it was a sign from God that an apocalyptic purge against straight, white, meat-eating Christians was at hand. They sold their farm and made their way to Nizhny Novogorod, expecting Russia to roll out the krasnoya carpet and offer up citizenship and property for them to buy.
Welp, not working out. After nine glorious weeks of waiting in lines to fill out forms and get blood and urine tests, getting their assets frozen and sleeping 10 people to a one-bedroom apartment with two sick kids and a broken sink, turns out they can’t get temporary residency without passing a language proficiency test. And while the Feenstras have a mighty God, He does not give Russian lessons to entitled Canucks on a lark. So now with their visas up, they must leave for three months and maybe try again, which Arend says they want to do.
But, problems. Flying 10 people out will cost about $10,000, and while they told the Russians they’d bought a return ticket, it’s unclear if they actually did, or to where. They sold their farm and have nowhere in Canada to return to, and now they’ve got no idea where they’ll go next. They miss their farm, where they tapped the maple trees for syrup and made goat cheese and kombucha.
Just three weeks ago, in a video entitled “Squash the Western Media with the Truth!!” Arend responded to reports that things hadn’t been going great.
“It’s Western propaganda, designed to keep your eyes off the ball. Your mainstream medias do their thing... Lots of lies. We are perfectly happy here, we are not planning on leaving here, we’re not stuck here, we’re not hostages here, we’re not under some kind of threat. We can speak and say whatever we want to do … Here’s a family who came here, moved here, did it successfully, that’s against what they want you to know. There’s loads of other people here ... countless other ones, they’re making it easier for people to come here.”
So much for that. The devil’s in the details!
True, as a foreigner in Russia, you can post and say whatever you want. And also, the Fatherland can kick you out whenever, without even letting you speak to a manager, as they did with dozens of reporters during the invasion of Ukraine. Or imprison you for an indefinite amount of time for whatever reason they feel like, a la the Wall Street Journal’s Evan Gershkovich or Brittney Griner. Or just kill you. Because in Russia, free speech rights you!
Hey, didn’t they just have an election? Wonder who won?
But there are Westerners living there, and they do seem happy. Because there ain’t no other way to seem if you want to stay! “Loads of other people” moving there, though, not quite. Immigration to Russia has been plummeting, and the population growth rate is negative. More than 800,000 people have fled the country since the start of the invasion of Ukraine. Even prior to the war, only about 1,500 Americans and Canadians moved there every year, on account of it being a shithole.
But you can still find some expatriate nuts in the bottom of the bag, with YouTube channels. Real Reporter, EXPAT American, Siberian Freedom and Wild Siberian document the joys of Russia as a rugged white man paradise. Don’t be a Negative Navalny and believe rumors about Russia! There’s stuff in stores and it’s cheap for Americans, because the ruble is now worth a penny, and prices have tripled and nearly quadrupled, so, plenty of stuff in stores! And Lake Baikal, it’s the Switzerland of Russia!
Upbeat YouTuber Wild Siberian proudly proclaims he takes his poops in an outhouse. How fun and rugged that must be! “Siberian Freedom” is a channel for a “traditional” Australian family, and they love, love, love Russia, but they got evicted from their home and are now struggling to build themselves a cabin in Siberia before winter. Are you tough enough to take it?
And the Feenstras would never complain, but, “we sure miss having a dryer,” lamented Arend on a trip to OBI, the Russian Home Depot. He was also unimpressed with the drill selection, which were mostly weird Chinese brands that have cords, and Makita (Japan’s not sanctioning Russia that hard, apparently). Apparently a DeWalt you can only get at a “special” store in Moscow. But Russia = great!
In another episode, Arend takes us on a tour: “We were graciously invited by one of our viewers to look at his amazing chicken farm! This place is a great example of modern farming here in Russia and a model of what you could build here too!”
Except it isn’t “his farm,” tour host Vitaly works for an agriculture company, that company built the farm, supplies him with chickens and feed, and when they’re broiler size he sends them back to the company. And you can’t build your “own” farm there either; foreigners can’t buy farmland in Russia at all, or own more than 49 percent of it.
In Saskatchewan, the Feenstras owned their farm, grew what they wanted and adults had their own bedroom. They had a flock of ducks and got the best healthcare in the world for free for one of their kid’s seizure disorder.
But pride flags, apocalypse, freedom!
That could be you, Conservatives. Why wait to see if Donald Trump gets elected to experience authoritarianism, when you could have your own rugged Russian adventure, just like Tucker Carlson? Get packing! Win win!
Last May, Russian state TV announced the possibility of an expatriate village outside of Moscow for the hundreds of “conservative-minded” Americans and Canadians who they claim are just gagging to escape “propaganda of radical values: Today they have 70 genders, and who knows what will come next!”
Just be sure to learn the language first so you don’t end up having to leave quite so soon. Plan to rent, and expect a lot of paperwork. Arend says he’s going to try to get the government to make a special exception for them about the language requirement, which doesn’t seem very in the Communist spirit.
But best of luck to the Feenstra family!
Oh come on, they can't be that stupid and ill-prepared. This has got to be some elaborate performance art stunt, right?
Conservatives: Immigrants shouldn't come here unless they speak English
Also conservatives: I should be able to move to Russia even if I don't speak Russian