Canadians Seek To Wash Hands of Weird Musk
It seems that everything's gone wrong since the skipping dipshit came along.
Canada is very sorry about the whole “letting the Space Nazi into North America in the first place” thing, especially now that President Musk is openly spitballing about seizing the country to steal resources that might come in handy for building a Death Star down the road and/or simply get revenge on Grimes for dumping his grimey old ass.
A recent petition launched by BC author Qualia Reed asking the federal government to take away Elon Musk’s Canadian citizenship has already gotten more than 346,000 digital signatures at last count. For comparison, that’s more than the populations of Prince Edward Island and all three Arctic territories combined in just over a week. And that was before most people heard about Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy getting reamed out in the Oval Office for not being more open to Putin’s genocidal hopes and dreams.
“Elon Musk has engaged in activities that go against the national interest of Canada,” reads the petition sponsored by NDP firebrand Charlie Angus, the long-serving MP for Ontario’s Timmins-James Bay region and the closest thing Canada has at the moment to an AOC or Jasmine Crockett. “He has used his wealth and power to influence our elections; he has now become a member of a foreign government that is attempting to erase Canadian sovereignty; and the attempts of Elon Musk to attack Canadian sovereignty must be addressed.”
Musk gave precisely the sort of measured response you’d expect from the guy who had the bright idea to tell freaked-out advertisers fleeing Xitter to go fuck themselves: “Canada is not a real country” he shot back in a since-deleted tweet.
Not exactly a display of warmth and gratitude to the country that helped grease the wheels for him to go on to become the wealthiest person in the world but it’s certainly on-brand. It was an unforgivable thing to say, even on X, but he begrudgingly gets points for referencing the song “Blame Canada” from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut a quarter-century ago that’s regrettably become relevant again. We all know he’s familiar with the show because he posted a photo of astronaut Jeremy Hansen on his hellsite two years ago with the message “I’m proudly half Canadian!” that used the cartoon’s signature style of cracking characters’ faces in two to denote Canadianity. Which would be much harder for embarrassed Americans travelling overseas to fake than simply slapping on a maple leaf flag, apologizing for no good reason, or deliberately finishing sentences with the word “eh,” eh.
Not that it has a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding. While the proposal easily met the 500 commoner signatures required to at least get a shot in the House of Commons, Parliament is essentially AWOL until March 24, and odds are there’s going to be a snap election before then anyway. But certainly adding another zero or two to the final tally before the e-petition closes in June would be good for morale, not unlike the country’s recent win over Team USA in the specific sport we’re so inordinately fond of.
But while Musk likely doesn’t even know the current location of his Canadian passport, the feds couldn’t demand it back even if a majority of voters wanted it. Granted citizenship can only be revoked due to lies found on an application unless individuals choose to give it up themselves up like a common Ted Cruz or Conrad Black, and Dogeboy technically earned his fair and square thanks to his mom.
There’s a certain irony to someone now attempting to end birthright citizenship for Americans having gotten his own foot in the door because his mother, Maye, was born in Regina. Only American citizen and irony-awareness advocate Alanis Morisette could fail to miss it. Mama Musk moved to Africa before she was old enough to speak, let alone get jokes about the Saskatchewan city’s name, but that’s how the system works, and young Elon was smart enough to figure out it’d be easier to score a student visa for the US as a Canadian than it would be as a South African at a time when Nelson Mandela was still rotting on Robben Island and nobody wanted to play Sun City. Never mind what his country was putting detectives Riggs and Murtaugh through under the guise of diplomatic immunity.
Musk escaped his childhood bullies as a teen to a farm owned by extended family living in Saskatchewan and was soon joined in Canada by younger siblings Tosca and Kimbal as well as Maye herself, who went on to have a successful modeling career that included a stint as a ghost haunting one of Beyoncé’s mansions. Which I only mention in the off-chance you didn’t have “Nazi megalomaniac’s ma artistically collaborating with beloved Black superstar” on your dumbest timeline imaginable Bingo card. All three newly Canadian family members eventually followed him to the US and became citizens there as well. You’re welcome.
There’s been a lot of attention on the allegedly porous northern border lately and who or what may be surreptitiously coming across it, so it seems timely to point out America has Canada to both thank for its greatest superhero as well as to blame for its biggest supervillain.
Both were placed into tubes as children by their parents and sent flying to a new land to escape a dying world: an exploding planet in Kal-El’s case and an apartheid regime in Elon’s. Both ended up working on farms where their unusual gifts weren’t fully put to use, but Superman was fortunate enough to have Canadian co-creator Joe Shuster imagine him being raised under the loving care of Martha and Jonathan Kent in Kansas whereas Musk himself was instead taken under the wing of, well, fellow Musks.
He might’ve otherwise come away with a better understanding of academic constructs such as “truth, justice and the American way.” But let’s hope there’s a Bizarro World version of Elon Reeve Musk (no relation to Christopher Reeve) where the planet’s richest man feeds starving children instead of stealing from them.
Follow your new aspiring Canadian boyfriend on the less musky BlueSky!
You guys, I’m sitting by the phone for when they announce the Oscar for best Tabs gif. Crossing fingers…
I just hope I haven’t ruined another Sunday for poor Tecolote