Cartoon Violence Seems To Have Missed The Memo

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons. 

We here at Cartoon Violence try, reallytry,to keep up. Honest. How else are we supposed to follow these obscure scribbles churned out day after day by the political cartooning corps? You don't really expect us to just see a cow or some damn thing wandering through the Capitol with the words AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES written on its side and understand its rich semantic meaning if she haven't been following the debate about agricultural subsidies in detail, do you? If political cartoons were transparent like that, we wouldn't have a job.

Still and all, there are some cartoons that are so off the beaten path that even we don't know what they're supposed to be about. Maybe they're focused on issues local to the cartoonist's newspaper that we in the wider world are unaware of. Maybe they've slipped over the Internet ether from a parallel universe. Maybe we're just kind of dumb. This week, we share our ignorance and see if you share it as well.

 
 Headline I apparently missed: "Republican Fundraisers Running Low On Water"

What th' heck?: Apparently the rich and opulent are all tapped out when it comes to giving money to prospective GOP candidates, so the fundraising class has moved to the next logical set of donors: buzzards, gila monsters, road runners, coyotes, and the other fauna of the Sonoran Desert region.

A clue, perhaps: Conservatives may claim to reject feminism and embrace old-fashioned chivalry, but you'll notice that beardo in front is gulping down the last few drops from the canteen, while two thirsty ladies look on beseechingly.

 
 Headline I apparently missed: "Pope Kidnapped By Balding, Middle-Aged, Crazed White Guy"

What th' heck?: The carjacking problem has hit such a crisis point in this country that even protection that Christ offers to his Vicar is no longer adequate. Benedict XVI appears to be attempting to fool his kidnapper by standing very still and giving the impression that he's an inanimate papal decoy.

A clue, perhaps: Those are some pimped-out rims on the Popemobile. Presumably they spin on feast days.

 
 Headline I apparently missed: "Putin Terrifies G-7 Leaders With Karate Attack"

What th' heck?: I don't know what's more delightful: Putin's vicious judo moves, designed to awe and terrify; George Bush's bright orange tan, which obviously came out of a bottle; or the fact that Angela Merkel's breasts are lying on the conference table.

A clue, perhaps: This comes from the same Russian cartoonist who provided the terrifyingWolfowitz as vampire-vulture-Elder-of-Zion a few weeks back, so you know he's one of the great geniuses working in the medium today.

 
 Headline I apparently missed: "Bush: I Like Toe-Sucking, Necrophilia"

What th' heck?: With his approval rating plunging and no more elections to worry about, President Bush finally gets to live out his greatest fantasy: driving around the country in a fake ambulance (code name: "Cold Toe Suck One"), finding corpses lying on the side of the road, and gently sucking on their succulent toes.

A clue, perhaps: I actually know exactly what this is supposed to be about, obviously, but still: toe sucking. Necrophiliac toe sucking. Yikes.

 
 Headline I apparently missed: "Ted Stevens Victim Of Experimental Shrinking Ray"

What th' heck?: Believing that it's the only way he'll be able to fully explore the "series of tubes" that brings porn to his desk, Senator Stevens agrees to be reduced to one-tenth of his normal size. Unfortunately, the effect is permanent, and he's forced to scurry about the Capitol, desperately trying to avoid getting underfoot and stacking up books so he can climb up and vote for insane pork-barrel projects.

A clue, perhaps: Ted, I know they can't see you at the cafeteria check-out corner anymore, but ... surely you shouldn't be eating that money! You don't know where it's been!

Oh, and don't forget, punks:  come see me be funny live and in person in NYC next Friday ! You will never forgive yourself if you miss it. -- THE COMICS CURMUDGEON