Chinese Spies Learn Every Secret About America, For Only $9.95!

The Department of Justice announced today that it is charging evil Chinese spies -- one of whom is American, like Jesus -- with giving secrets to the evil Red China mainland. Being a Bush administration Department, however, they manage to find the silver lining in this press conference: it's because our economy is so Free! See, the liberals would red-tape the secret-swapping market to death, and that's why you should vote for Alan Keyes. [ AP/Google ]