Christian Patriot Guy Graciously Offers To Kill President, Ensures Himself Holiday Visit From Secret Service

Hey, Wonkedorians, what are you up to this Thanksgiving, or Hanukkah, or Thanksgivukkah? Were you hoping that the Secret Service would bust down your door during the turkey carving, or would you prefer they wait until later in the day when you're drunk on the couch watching football? Then consider declaring that you have the authority to shoot Obama because of argle bargle constitution blatherskite. It's sure to guarantee you extra visitors on your special day.

“We now have authority to shoot Obama, i.e., to kill him,” [Everest Wilhelmen, leader of the Christian American Patriots Militia] posted on his Facebook page. “His willful violations and alienation of our Constitution, constant disregard for our peaceful protests and corruption of all the three branches of government, (i.e., rogue and illegitimate government), reveal the dictator that he is. Obama and his co-conspirators disrespect our Constitution (constitutional rule of law) and abuse the American people.”

There's something so depressing about the idea that if the right-wing revolution comes, it will have been inspired by doofuses conspiring on Facebook and using parentheticals (i.e., excessive parentheticals that say the same thing as the word preceding the parenthetical) because they think it sounds smart (intelligent). Blargh. Also, too, generally one conspires to kill major world leaders, if that is a thing one wants to do AND IT SHOULD NOT BE, in seekrit.

What authority do these wonderful people have, and should they be setting an extra place for the Secret Service agents if they show up during dinnertime? Should they send a letter to that ridiculous advice column in the New York Times that tries to answer questions from really terrible people? Oh, of course, it is the Second Amendment -- the only amendment that matters, really -- that allows them to get their assassination on. 

The authority to kill Obama comes from the 2nd Amendment of our Constitution: He is levying war on the United States and aiding and comforting our foreign enemies – the 2nd Amendment gives us the right and duty (authority) to engage an enemy of the United States that does so with the design to reduce us under absolute Despotism. I would be very surprised, if Obama does not leave Washington DC today (Nov. 19th) … never to return, if he is not dead within the month[.]”

Seriously, dude. We are a big fan of the explanatory parenthetical, but you need some 10th-grade English instruction on when to deploy that shit. Also, too, we're not sure how you make a leap from "well-regulated militia" to "shoot the president" but that is because we do not reside in the fever swamp of the Christianist patriot movement, thank god. Visiting here is bad enough.

[ Raw Story ]