Cocaine Found In West Wing, No, The Real One

Like, we already knew about Sorkin.

Rightwing shitposters are having a field day with the news that the Secret Service found a small amount of cocaine in the White House Sunday evening, because how could they resist the obvious Hunter Biden jokes? Lord knows if Donald Trump were still stinking up the executive mansion, Yr Wonkette would probably (absolutely, no question) be making jokes about Don Junior, except that there would have been a 600 kilo mountain of coke in a bathroom, with a chandelier and visible classified documents sticking out of the pile.

But then we'd go and undercut our own silly jokes by pointing out that the AP reports the "suspicious powder" was found in a "common area" of the West Wing that is open to White House tours. CBS News went one better and said that a "senior law enforcement official" told the network that the "substance was found in a storage facility in a cubby routinely used by White House staff and guests to store cell phones."

Early reports that the coke was found in the White House library were inaccurate, the New York Times says . See? The cover-up is already at work!1!!!!.

So golly, what are the odds it was planted by some troll who wanted headlines about cocaine in the White House? It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

The AP reports the powder was found during a routine patrol by Secret Service agents, and that it was not in "any particular West Wing office," according to anonymous law enforcement officials. Just to be on the safe side, the White House complex was briefly evacuated while emergency responders searched the scene and tested the stuff.

President Biden and his family were away for the holiday weekend at Camp David when the coke was found. They left Friday, which means it's unlikely Joe or Jill Biden left the cocaine. The White House website notes that public tours are "typically available from 8: 00 AM to 12:30 PM Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, excluding Federal holidays or unless otherwise noted." Look at us covering up!

The Bidens returned on Tuesday, presumably to oversee the engineering of the next big weird news story that will surely distract us all from Hunter Biden's shockingly unspecific scandals involving very bad things. Or, if you believe CBS News, and why would you, "for an event with the National Education Association and Fourth of July festivities."

On "Fox and Friends" this morning, cohost Kayleigh McEnany and White House correspondent Mark Meredith both pointed out that Hunter Biden had joined his parents for the Fourth of July fireworks display; Meredith said the incident raises "more questions about who’s coming in and out of the White House," if you get his drift, nudge-nudge, and McEnany was Very Concerned about What This Means:

Apparently, this is a place where tour guides can go through. We don’t know exactly where it was in the West Wing, but having been there, worked there, it’s a small place. Did a tourist bring it in? If so, that’s troubling for national security, for the security of the president of the United States. Was it a staffer? If so, we got to get to the bottom of it. A staffer shouldn’t be using cocaine or bringing it into the White House. But troubling nonetheless, a white powder in the West Wing.

For his part, Steve Doocy then trailed off halfway through a sentence before finishing a possible thought. What could he have been about to say?

Right. But if you look at the Internet and you look at social media, there are all sorts of memes and there are all sorts of rumors. You know, let’s see, who, who has access to the White House, who kind of looks like he’s living at the White House? Oh, yeah. Hunter Biden. There’s nothing to sug–

You know, that’s just going on, on the Internet. But you know that because I’m sure everybody has sent that stuff to you.

Because we already wasted precious minutes making that "cocaine bear" image, we will not at this time add the doggy from Pixar's Upexclaiming "SQUIRREL!" to the Fox & Friends clip, the end.

[ AP / CBS News / NYT / Mediaite/ White House image by 'AgnosticPreachersKid,' Creative CommonsLicense 3.0 ]

Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations. If you can, please help us keep snorting up the news for you with a monthly donation of $5 or $10, either of which can be rolled up into a tube every bit as well as a $100, there's no need for ostentation.

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .