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Come, Lean In, We Want To Whisper You A Secret, It Is $$$!!1!
Why yes, it IS that time of month!
Gentle flowers of love, our darlings, the ones who make us whole, who let us hire writers at a living wage, who keep us going through the Trumpenstorm, who complete us: Move on down to the comments for open thread, your work today is done! The rest of you, the ones who have been meaning to get your credit card or your paypal password for lo these SEVEN or FOURTEEN YEARS NOW, YOU:
Hi! I'm Rebecca. Have we met yet? We HAVE? Because you've been coming twice a week or four times a day for us to guide you through our fascist horror, together? Sweet! Barring you really ain't got none, we would like your money.
But you always need money, you are hissing through your beardo crumbs. Well, yes! That is how food and rent/mortgages and paychecks and servers work. As the lucky-ducky federal workers have discovered, you have to pay for them on an ongoing basis. And you know who likes food and mortgages and paychecks and servers? It is your Wonkette!
Last month we yelled and yodeled at you about WE ARE DYING! (WE are a Jewish mother, and YOU never call and never write!) And as usual when we ask, you came through for us -- and this time, historically so! FIVE THOUSAND OF YOU contributed in the month of December, or "one percent of our readers that month." Amazing! Can we dream CRAZY and make it two???? Perhaps you are one of MANY people who tried to do a recurring donation, and our shit was broken. Guess who's in luck, it's YOU cause we FIXED IT!
Anyway, we took that quite large chunk of money, paid some bills ahead of time, gave the kids and freelancers small raises (NOT US, we're frugal and modest and saving up for future payrolls like grandmas washing plastic wrap), and when the dust was settled we had almost a month of regular Wonkette operating expenses in the can for EMERGIES. You know what this month is not? AN EMERGY. It's just the same old boring month we always have, where YOU SEND US MONEY because SOCIAL CONTRACT.
No ads. No venture capital funding. Just a pact between us, a website, and you, a boy or a girl we're standing in front of, asking you to love us. We watch Trump's stupid face and mediate it into a slightly less grotesque face, and you pay for us to do so! We tell smart stuff at you, about policy and whatnot, and you Learn a Thing and give us cashish. We make you laugh until you vomit, and you go get your credit card and input the numbers into the "stripe credit card" thingie or your login into the paypal, either way, payment widget below. It's symbiosis and shit!
Children of love, we have all been having a time . But Nancy's in the House, the hot-shit new congresswomen are making #goodtrouble, and the cavalry's riding in for 2020, whether that's Kamala, Elizabeth, Kirsten, or a player to be named later. (Hell, even Bernie. If he's the nominee, we'll jump on that bandwagon so hard we break our ankles. NO COMMENT-FIGHTING.)
We got this.
Now get us our money.
And celebrate with an OPEN THREAD!