Dead Scalia Already Making America Great Again

Who knew it was even possible?

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's corpse has not been rotting long enough for us to miss him yet because that's never going to happen, even if we live for a thousand years. But his death is already having some wondrous consequences for our beloved U.S. American nation. For example:  

Dow Chemical Co. said it agreed to pay $835 million to settle an antitrust case pending before the U.S. Supreme Court after Justice Antonin Scalia’s death reduced its chances of overturning a jury award. [...]

“Growing political uncertainties due to recent events with the Supreme Court and increased likelihood for unfavorable outcomes for business involved in class-action suits have changed Dow’s risk assessment of the situation,” the company said in an e-mailed statement.

Aw shucks and gee whiz and shoe horns and suck a penis! You mean the loss of that reliable vote to uphold corporate malfeasance and general assholery has caused Dow Chemical to realize it should stop whining, pay the fuck up, and go away? What next, free unicorns for everyone?

Hmmm. Now that the close personal friend and unelected judicial activist of America's worst crimers and bigots and bastards isn't there to protect them, could others be reconsidering their "I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!" strategies? Glad you asked. Here is another for example , from the New York State Rifle & Pistol Association, who has been fighting a "gun ban on safety enhancing features" (yes, real quote) "and life-saving standard capacity magazines" (YES, REAL QUOTE AGAIN!):

After three years of continued movement through the Judicial System the death of Justice Antonin Scalia accomplished a feat the anti-gunners were unable to do; it stopped our lawsuit.

Scalia was such a good friend to guns and their loving owner companions, but now that he is gone, the gun rights group figures it's better to live with the lower court's "not defensible" ruling upholding the New York SAFE Act -- passed in 2013 in response to the Sandy Hook shooting in which all those children unfortunately but necessarily paid the ultimate price for liberty -- than to risk the Scalia-less Supreme Court overturning the whole Second Amendment forever.

[contextly_sidebar id="tQY9BXC77ZWCOeifdktTI1KgMsDZOFIM"]Who will be next to say never mind? Only time will tell, though we have a long list of suggestions. Maybe Rebecca Friedrichs -- that nice school teacher lady in California who doesn't want to pay her fair share fee for the public sector union that fights on her behalf because blah blah FREE SPEECH blah blah -- should realize she's shit outta luck and go away? Sure, the Court might have been ready to destroy unions back when five was more than four, but now that four is equal to four and the lower court's ruling will stand, Friedrichs and her lawyers might as well surrender now.

[contextly_sidebar id="tap8oRpEGjxSyyXgxiL1oSqUJZD3w1Rv"]How about Abigail Fisher, that dumb white chick in Texas, who keeps suing because she thinks The Blacks stoled her spot in college, with affirmative action? She had a real sympathetic ear when the Supreme Court heard oral arguments in December, and Scalia said -- out loud! with his face hole! -- that The Blacks should probably stick to those "slower track" safety schools anyway, since "they're being pushed into schools that are too advanced for them." But that was then, and this is now, and now Scalia is dead, and he don't give a fuck from the grave. So Fisher,who has dragged this on so long she already graduated from college, should accept this harsh reality and learn to live with her degree from the University of Phoenix.

There is one small downside to Scalia's absence. On Monday, Justice Clarence Thomas felt compelled to say words in open court for the first time in a decade, presumably since Dead Scalia couldn't ask questions himself, what with being dead. We're hoping that doesn't become a thing.

[ Bloomberg / New York State Rifle and Pistol Association via TPM ]