Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

 
 Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading.

1. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn't be too much trouble, please.

   When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don't know what prior felony that was, and we don't think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals.

   The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal.

1. In other news of peens being put where no peen should go, an unidentified 18-year-old has been bannedfrom Twitter and Vine after carrying through on a tweeted promise that if he got "420 retweets," he would "fuck a hotpocket on Vine after I heat it up." Apparently he discovered that, 4chan jokes aside, a HotPocket® brand pastry product doesn't make a very good Fleshlight™:

   "I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot," he said. "I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, 'Dude, I’m gonna have to use a condom if I’m gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.'"

1. Would you believe we have another tale of hot painful foodfucking? Of course you would; why else would you be at Wonkette? In this case, the foodfucking was purely notional -- the HotPocket® idiot took pics; no we will not post them. But we will link, you sickos -- starting with an all-caps twitter message reading

   @Dominos_UK HELLO I'VE JUST MADE LOVE TO ONE OF YOUR PIZZAS AND BURNT MY PENIS SEVERELY. PLEASE ADVISE ON YOUR TERMS FOR A REFUND. THANKS.

   Honestly, we do not carethat there was no man-on-pie sex, because of the perfectly brilliant string of replies from the corporate twitter account at Domino's Pizza UK, which started with the form-lettery-blowoff "Please contact our head office -- comments@dominos.co.uk regarding this matter" and then, as the troll started getting sillier, kept pace:

   

   And then, when troll lad escalated to

   LOOK, I'VE TRIED EMAILING YOUR HEAD OFFICE WITH NO SUCCESS BUT NOW THE PIZZA WANTS TO GIVE ME A BLOW JOB, PLEASE ADVISE.

   The corporate tweeter replied, not to the troll, but to another goofball who retweeted the thing:

   

   Needless to say, we bet that the Dominos tweetorz in the USA would not be anywhere near as much fun, and someone would get fired if they tried. #hashtag Hitler Sadface f: =(

1. Next, a story with no fucking in it at all! But it does have dogs:  CBS Denver reported that Colorado vets are seeing more dogs that have scarfed down their owners' edible marijuana products. Neither the pot nor the chocolate in brownies is good for your dog, especially considering the concentration of THC in some weed snax, which can make for a very sick puppy.
   

   So be careful where you leave your drug-laced treats, you damn hippies. And the kitchen counter is not necessarily a safe spot -- Yr Doktor Zoom's old Labrador retriever, Paxil (because he was the best antidepressant ever), once made an entire plate of shortbread (non-enhanced, but buttery) vanish in the space of a minutes, leaving only crumbs and a dog giving us that completely innocent look that they have evolved so we will keep feeding them.

1. You are probably wondering if we have exhausted our cache of stories about people behaving like idiots while intoxicated. And you should know by now that we will never run out -- as with Parsifal's Grail (literary reference for the win!), there's a never-ending bounty, and so we have this tale of the Oregon Moonshine Arsonists:

   

   Meet Matthew Bossard, 32, and Leticia Kagele, 36, of Eugene, Oregon, who were very drunk and very unhappy that the staff at Whirled Pies told them that they were in fact too drunk to be served. Well goddammit, that's no reason to deny them service -- it's not like they were gay or something -- so the couple left, the employees locked the doors, and then Bossard and Kagele returned and began pounding on the door. At that point, the good pizza folks called 911 and headed for the basement; the drunks then broke a window and tried to set the restaurant on fire with some homemade moonshine they'd brought along. Happily, the fire didn't catch, and police arrived and arrested the moonshine-wielding idiots, who were charged with arson and burglary.

   We only mention this because now we at last have found a practical use for that bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey rotgut swill that our sweetheart was talked into buying for us when we had a cold a few weeks ago. It did nothing for our sore throat, but we're pretty sure the aftertaste is still with us. Bad liquor recommendations justify arson, don't they?*

1. By now, you may be wondering where the political derp is this week. It appears to have mostly headed to the nation of Chile, where at least three competing groups of libertarian entrepreneurs are trying to set up communities where Americans can Go Galt, according to a lovely little piece from Mother Jones that you should go read right now, please. You will be thoroughly astonished to learn that all three enterprises are having trouble getting started, and that the various parties behind them can't stand each other. But they have some awesome names: There's "Galt's Gulch Chile," "Freedom Orchard," and "Sovereign Valley Farm," whose developer insists that he had the idea for calling his project "Galt's Gulch" first, but the other guys totally stoled the name from him before he could register it. Even if all three projects end up turning to dust (they will), there's the seeds of a Paul Theroux novel or a Coen Brothers movie, don't you think? Protip: Do not trust the Flav-R-Aid.

   Update: Hey, how'd we miss that? We've actually met one of these gents before -- the "VP for international sales" for Freedom orchard is Frank Szabo, the former New Hampshire sheriff candidate whogot Yr Wonkette's attention in 2012 when he said he couldn't guarantee he'd never use deadly force against abortion doctors. We gave him a mention that fall when he moved to Chile, and by golly, he's still there, and apparently has not (yet) shot off his own peener.

1. We wonder what Ayn Rand would think of Maria Montenez-Colon, a Punta Gorda, Florida Woman (Bing-bing-bing!) who was arrested after calling 9-1-1 and attempting to get the cop who answered the call to do sex to her. Talk about subverting the resources of the nanny state! When the cop arrived, she told him that the nature of the emergency did not quite involve a problem with a Corvette. Instead, she apparently wanted to find a stranger in the alps, and told the responding officer,

   "I haven't been penetrated in years," and "I am so horny."

   The officer tried to steer the conversation back to the topic of the call, asking what he could do for her.

   Montenez-Colon's response was "You can [expletive] me," according to the report.

   While telling the cop that she would like to try to get a Corvette back that she had signed over to her stepson, Montenez-Colon also kept trying to "press charges" with the officer, and "repeatedly tried to grab the officer's arm and tried to rub her hands on his chest." The cop said he wouldn't be able to help her with either problem, warned her against misusing the 9-1-1 system, and left.

   So of course, she called 9-1-1 again an hour later because she was angry that she'd been turned down. The cop returned to her house, bringing along a second cop for backup. Unfortunately, there was no bad 70's synthesizer music -- Montenez-Colon complained to the new cop that the first officer "was a perfect gentleman, but when I asked him to [expletive] me, he turned me down so that made me angry."

   BUT THAT'S NOT ALL:

   When asked by the original officer if she remembered the conversation about misuse of 911, Montenez-Colon allegedly said, "I do, but how else am I going to get you to [expletive] me?"

   Montenez-Colon was arrested for Misuse of 911 and booked into the Charlotte County Jail.

   Florida, ladies and gentlemen. Florida.

1. And finally, since the last couple weeks have clearly been pretty hellish for cops, what with the horny drunk ladies and the moonshine arsonists and the dogfuckers, let's close with a shout-out to some members of the Thin Blue Second Line from New Orleans, specifically these dancing cops enjoying the Mardi Gras:

   And as an alert Gawker commenter noted, one of those happy cops, Detective Winston Harbin, just can't resist getting his dance on:

   Yr Wonket wishes you a happy weekend.

* Wonkette is a satirical publication. No actual endorsement of arson as revenge for bad liquor recommendations should be inferred. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. To induce vomiting, you may want to consider Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey.

[ RawStory / UPI / Gawker / CBS Denver / Gawker / Mother Jones / NBC2 via Mediaite / Gawker ]

 Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Or he will regift that bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey to you.