Desperately Poor GOP Lobbyists Finally Finding Work Again

Americans are POOR AND BROKE, YA HEARD? Those who still haven't hocked their eyes tend to look to newspapers for two purposes: for warmth, obviously, as they sleep on park benches in the frigid September night, but also for inspiration, for the knowledge that even if they're doomed, there are Americans out there who are helping bring our economy back. Well, many a hobo is weeping tears of joy into his can of beans today, as he reads the rat-poop stained New York Times he fished out of the gutter and learns that yes, Republican lobbyists can find lucrative six- to seven-figure salaries once again, in America.

You were probably pretty worried about the Republican lobbyist/ex-lawmaker/think-tanking class all going unemployed once the Democrats seized control of all parts of the government in 2009. It's been a rough 18 months or so -- most had to dip into the strategic gold reserves that they have hoarded in their basements -- but you will be happy to know that they're all going to be fine, just fine. 

With Democrats in danger of losing control of Congress, some prominent lobbying shops, trade groups and contractors are already moving to bring more Republicans on board to bolster their political fortunes.

Lobbyists, political consultants and recruiters all say that the going rate for Republicans — particularly current and former House staff members — has risen significantly in just the last few weeks, with salaries beginning at $300,000 and going as high as $1 million for private sector positions.

"We're seeing a premium for Republicans," said Ivan H. Adler, a headhunter for the McCormick Group in Washington who specializes in placing lobbyists. "They’re the new 'It' girl."

Presumably that is as far as you can get into this article without dying of a massive rage-stroke, but right before your brain functions shut down entirely, you might notice the picture of "Mel Martinez ... the former Republican senator from Florida ... [who was recently] hired as a senior executive by JPMorgan Chase." Mel Martinez quit his Senator job abruptly almost exactly a year ago, which coincidentally is how long senators have to wait after they leave office before whoring themselves out to the highest bidder. We're sure Martinez's professional background in, uh, personal injury law will help him work as a "senior executive" at an investment bank, and he'll earn his crazy stupid salary. OK, you can finish up dying of that rage-stroke now. [ NYT ]