Devin Nunes Sues Devin Nunes's Cow For Alienation (And Sedition) Of Affection

Oh you dumb idiot bastard.

Mar 19, 2019

This morning, after giving Fox News a 12-hour head start with a yet-to-be-filed copy, Devin Nunes and a Virginia lawyer who may not have the best interests of a free press at heart sued some folks. They sued Twitter, and some punk GOP operative woman who probably sucks, and her (they allege) conspirators, Devin Nunes' Mom and Devin Nunes' Cow.

Wonkette would like to take this opportunity to sue Devin Nunes' Cow for stealing our shtick, the one we invented and which is very extraordinarily clever, and I came up with it and then set Evan loose on it one day when I noticed haw haw that Devin Nunes studied animal HUSBANDRY and even though I know that is just fancy for "farming," I said, "HEY, DO YOU THINK DEVIN NUNES IS FUCKING HIS COW?" Sure, it's no Jerry Falwell losing his virginity to his mother in an outhouse -- because it's ONE MILLION TIMES FUNNIER, STUPID DUMB LARRY FLYNT! The Supreme Court -- at least in the old liberal Rehnquist days, lol -- it would doubtless agree!

Oh, wait, we just remembered you can't copyright an idea, which makes us a better lawyer than Devin Nunes's Virginia dude. Allegedly. We opine.

Nunes's grievances are many -- as they should be with a demand that the courts award him $250 million -- and they are dumb.

How Dumb Are They?

Devin Nunes and his Free Speech Hero lawyer, Steven Biss -- who once sued a paper for printing "fake news" about a school board member that was actually very real news -- have several complaints. (After a very long introduction in which it is explained for no reason at all that Devin Nunes once introduced a bill for The Troops.) The first complaint, about which we do not care, is that Nunes claims he is being "shadowbanned" by Twitter. Fox News's Judge Andrew Napolitano made quick work of that one; a private company, despite being the new "town square," does not have to give untrammeled access to its platform, and may in fact, thanks to the Communications Decency Act, censor people. This was to Devin Nunes's benefit yesterday when Twitter suspended user Devin Nunes' Mom for being gross and mean and VERY hilarious and sounding just exactly like a common Wonkette.

But it is common among conservatives to complain they are being censored on Twitter, and Facebook, when in fact Twitter is still LOUSY with Nazis, and every publisher except Fox and Ben Shapiro has been ground into Facebook dust. Must be time for a congressional hearing on the nonexistent censorship of Diamond & Silk! If they complain loudly enough, Facebook will let the Weekly Standard factcheck Think Progress and determine it "false"! OH, PRAISE JESUS, THEY ALREADY DID!

Nunes's second complaint is that Twitter, while supposedly "shadowbanning" him, let satire accounts call him hilarious names. This insulted him, he said, and provoked him like a common Trump!

In fact, Nunes's attorney provided a long list of those insulting words, which we will copy and paste admiringly, here:

Devin Nunes' Mom stated that Nunes had turned out worse than Jacob Wohl;
falsely accused Nunes of being a racist, having "white supremist friends" and distributing "disturbing inflammatory racial propaganda";
falsely accused Nunes of putting up a "Fake News MAGA" sign outside a Texas Holocaust museum;
falsely stated that Nunes would probably join the "Proud Boys", "if it weren't for that unfortunate 'no masturbating' rule";
disparagingly called him a "presidential fluffer and swamp rat";
falsely stated that Nunes had brought "shame" to his family;
repeatedly accused Nunes of the crime of treason, compared him to Benedict Arnold, and called him a "traitor", "treasonous shitbag", a "treasonous Putin shill", working for the "Kremlin";
falsely stated that Nunes was "100% bought and sold. He has no interest remaining for his constituents";
falsely accused Nunes of being part of the President's "taint" team;
falsely stated that Nunes was unfit to run the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence;
falsely accused Nunes of "secretly hat[ing] the people he's supposed to serve";
falsely accused Nunes of being a "lying piece of shit";
falsely stated that Nunes would lose custody of his children and was going to "the pen";
falsely accused Nunes of receiving pay for undermining "American Democracy";
falsely stated that Nunes was "the most despicably craven GOP public official" and that "Devin might be a unscrupulous, craven, back-stabbing, charlatan and traitor, but he's no Ted Cruz";
falsely stated that Nunes was "voted 'Most Likely to Commit Treason' in high school";
falsely stated that "The people of California's Central Valley are upright folk who work hard, look you square in the eye and give you a firm handshake. And then there is @DevinNunes";
falsely stated that Nunes is "not ALL about deceiving people. He's also about betraying his country and colluding with Russians";
stated "I don't know about Baby Hitler, but would sure-as-shit abort baby Devin";
falsely stated that "Alpha Omega wines taste like treason";
falsely stated that "@DevinNunes wanted me to tell everyone that he'll be releasing a pic soon to get ahead of that AMI thing, and that it only looks that way because of all the blow";
falsely suggested that Nunes might be willing to give the President a "blowjob";
falsely stated "@Devin Nunes look @SpeakerRyan is removing @Rep_Hunter from his committee seat because he's corrupt and incompetent. I wonder why he let you keep yours?";
falsely accused Nunes of "covering up Trump's conspiracy against the United States";
falsely accused Nunes of lying to Congress;
falsely accused Nunes of suborning "perjury";
falsely stated that "@Devin Nunes is DEFINITELY a feckless cunt";
falsely stated that "[i]f you vote for @Devin Nunes the terrorists win";
falsely stated "please don't call @DevinNunes compromised. He's not at all. He's a complete and total fucking traitor";
falsely stated that Nunes was a "spy" in Congress "passing along information to the subject of a federal investigation";
falsely stated that Nunes knows "a thing or two about throwing away evidence, don't you Scabbers";
falsely claimed that Nunes was "WANTED" and hiding and "hopes he doesn't get indicted";
falsely claimed that Nunes would "probably see an indictment before 2020";
and even falsely stated that Nunes has "herp-face".

Well, discovery will sure be fun on whether Nunes passed along the information he got from the White House to the White House, thus obstructing justice and also passing along information to the subject of a federal investigation and maybe suborning perjury and maybe lying to Congress, and also the state of the herp on his face and the fecklessness of his cunt.

But you are a Wonkette reader, so you are an educated soul. "Surely," you are saying, "these cannot be defamation if they are true, and they cannot be defamation if they are OPINION," which is protected speech per the Supreme Court. Welllll, you're right! But Nunes and Biss think they have found a very SMRT work-around, and that is to sue not for defamation (despite bandying the word "defamation" about liberally in their now-filed suit). They are suing, instead, over "insulting words."

Wait Huh?

Yes, Virginia, there is a Virginia statute covering "insulting words." And no Virginia, Virginia does not have an anti-SLAPP statute -- those state laws that make you think twice about instituting a "Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation" because they'll SLAPP you up the head with the opposing party's attorney fees. But it does have a recent statute that allows for a limited sort of anti-SLAPP: "B. Any person who has a [defamation] suit against him dismissed pursuant to the immunity provided by this section may be awarded reasonable attorney fees and costs." We shall call it "Baby SLAPP."

Perhaps you are so old you remember when Peter Thiel paid Charles Harder to sue Gawker for Hulk Hogan -- not for defamation, but for publication of private facts. They won hard! And maybe our new SCOTUS overlords will "open up the libel laws," as requested by our manly and strongjawed president, so that "insulting words" aimed at an elected official will once again be as illegal as they were when we were arresting publishers in the 1700s under the Sedition Act of President John Adams -- though it couldn't be declared unconstitutional because my forebear John Marshall had not yet invented judicial review -- until the Sedition Act was DQed by none other than Kentucky and ... the commonwealth of Virginia, which declared the Alien and Sedition Acts "invalid within their states." Thomas Jefferson and James Madison wrote the Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions, and as president Jefferson pardoned everyone who had been prosecuted under the Sedition Act. But, you know, there's always Clarence Thomas willing to muse about "reconsidering" New York Times v. Sullivan, and Vladimir Putin just got a shiny new law about "insulting" the government, and as goes Russia so goes Devin Nunes's herp face.

In Conclusion!

We will look forward to our "insulting words" lawsuit from Congressman Devin Nunes, Elected Official, who we're sure will be able to claim that Wonkette has pixels in Virginia, instead of Montana, where we are incorporated, and which is home to SO MANY COWS. Therefore, just in case, you should send us some money.

This has been your monthly money-beg. Mean words? Check. Devin Nunes's face? That too. Us ad-free and depending SOLELY on YOU? For sure. Us a bit behind this month because we spend your money like drunken Devin Nuneses on healthcare and freelance and servers and staff writers and shoes for the baby, who started PRESCHOOL today? AYUP. Please don't make us do it again. Click the clicky, select "monthly" if you are able, then remember to choose Paypal or the other one, and WHOOSH you have shared. We love you, for the most part. Goodbye!