Dianne Feinstein Gonna Need You To Hold Her Beer While She Beats Chuck Grassley's Ass

PISSED.

The dog-and-pony show of distractions from the Trump-Russia probes in Congress continues! We don't know how we missed this, except for how every single day of our lives now is a hell-ish news-pocalypse bent on destroying our mental and physical health, but last week, Senate Judiciary Committee chair Chuck Grassley and his little buddy Lindsey Graham released a declassified version of their Very Serious Not Wasting Our Time At All criminal referral of Christopher Steele, the spy who tried to save America, because Steele ALLEGEDLY (unproven, baseless accusation) lied to the FBI about his contacts with the media back when he was doing the spy work that became THE DOSSIER. It was cute, for these Very Serious Not Wasting Our Time At All GOP senators to be telling the FBI, "Squirrel! That guy lied to you! Allegedly! BIG SQUIRREL!"

They did this, of course, because Lindsey Graham is Donald Trump's golf boyfriend and Chuck Grassley is kind of like the Devin Nunes of the Senate, except he's way more wrinkly and has more corn inside him than Devin Nunes has. Point is, they don't mind obstructing a little justice for Trump if they get Beggin' Strips in return.

Dianne Feinstein, Democratic vice chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, is not having this shit. Have you seen what happens when DiFi gets pissed off? She releases entire transcripts of hearings about THE DOSSIER that Grassley and Trump don't want you to read -- because it makes them look like shiiiiiiiiiiit -- and she times it so she's SITTING ACROSS THE TABLE FROM THE PRESIDENT THE SECOND IT'S PUBLISHED. Do not fuck with her.

[Your editrix, a lifelong Californian until marriage and procreation, adds here: YES, it is TRUE that Dianne Feinstein is too conservative a Democrat to properly represent California, and a primary from the left would make very much sense. BUT ALSO, Dianne Feinstein is the only thing holding Chuck Grassley's ass to the fire at the moment, and it is a welcome surprise.]

Feinstein has released her own rebuttal to the the heavily redacted Graham/Grassley criminal referral of Steele, and it reads kind of like a common Wonkette debunking of a Devin Nunes memo, minus the dick jokes. So let's add some dick jokes!

Cutting through the shit, Feinstein's points are:

• LOL YA BURNT! That sure is a lot of words about a fake-ass "criminal referral" about "lying to the FBI" with "no evidence," but strangely no words about how THE DOSSIER has been in any way disproven. And why? Because Republicans hate THE DOSSIER because it's too true . 

• LOL YA BURNT! Your so-called "criminal referral" conveniently omits a bunch of facts related to Steele's contacts with the FBI and the media that were provided by the Department of Justice. Why you not include those? Is it because you are liars who lie a lot?

• LOL YA BURNT! There sure are a lot of baseless allegations in there about Chris Steele supposedly copying his dossier off "Clinton friend" Cody Shearer, which is funny, because usually the most highly respected spies in the Western world do their own spy work instead of copying their homework off some BFF of Hillary's named "Cody." (This is the basis of the next Devin Nunes Special, which the Washington Post   has already preemptively debunked. )

• LOL YA BURNT! Chuck Grassley, show us on the doll where Chris Steele broke a law. No seriously, show us.

• LOL YA BURNT! You two idiots are acting like Chris Steele is some rando off the street trying to besmirch your beloved president, but do you realize he's been working with the FBI forfuckingyears because he's one of the greatest Russia experts in the world and his reputation is unimpeachable?

• LOL YA BURNT! Also, let us please remind you kind sirs that the only reason Chris Steele came to the FBI in the first place was because he was gravely concerned for US national security after uncovering an international Trumpo-Russian conspiracy to steal American democracy and give it to Vladimir Putin. Chris Steele American Patriotism Points: ONE; Grassley/Graham American Patriotism Points: ZERO.

• LOL YA BURNT! You guys sure are bitching a lot about the FBI monitoring Carter Page, considering how neither you nor anyone else has actually shown that Page isn't a Russian intelligence asset that shouldn't be under surveillance by the FBI. By the way, HE TOTALLY IS. 

In conclusion: LOL! and also YA BURNT!

Read the whole thing here. Our version is much funnier (sorry, Feinstein) but as always, Wonkette encourages you to read the source documents and check our work.

For the record, this is the second time today Wonkette has had to deal with Chuck Grassley and Lindsey Graham throwing up roadblocks in the Russia investigation to protect their power and their beloved president. Will it be the last? Never underestimate those assholes, it is not even lunchtime.

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[ Feinstein memo ]