Does America Need a Fat President?

Cato Institute Vice President Gene Healy writes in the Washington Examiner today that the U.S. needs a fat president. Finally someone says what we've all been thinking. This oil spill mess and wars on Islam could all be solved if we just had a president that didn't mind slurping up the oil or eating the Taliban. Why is Obama refusing to be fat? He hates America, obviously.

Healy meditates on a photo of Obama and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour on the beach. Obama looks out of place, a "beanpole president," while Barbour looks completely natural on the beach. In times like these, an undulating paunch calms us. That fat gut looks like a leader, and we are ready to follow it. Yet Obama is stubbornly still healthy and won't let Barbour be president.

Look, all the evidence we need is in Shakespeare:

"Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look; he thinks too much. Such men are dangerous," Shakespeare's Julius Caesar comments to Marc Antony. "Let me have men about me that are fat ... such as sleep o' nights."

Yes, let us listen to Caesar. Thin men like Obama think with their brains and have the capability to shape world events like Cassius. Fat guys are too busy stuffing their faces and sleeping to do anything that would have a major effect on history, like all true leaders. That's what we need.

A few years back, Slate examined the relationship between flab and presidential performance. What it found suggests that if you want New Frontiers and crusades for democracy, then vote for the skinny striver. If you'd prefer someone who leaves well enough alone -- who's content to preside over peace and prosperity -- pick the porker.

Why are you messing with the peace and prosperity that you inherited when you came into office, Obama? You're NOT FAT, that's why. Washington, Lincoln, Taft -- ALL of America's greatest presidents have been fat.

Healy hints that the stars may be aligning for Chris Christie, "America's best governor today." Really, how could look at a fat fuck like Christie and not elect him over Obama? Giant bellies exude experience, expertise, and competence. Obama is thrice a minority, by the way, being male, being black, AND not being overweight. How can we identify with and trust a leader who hasn't had at least one heart attack? It was sort of fun having a minority elected, but now we just want a president who looks like us. And not a moment too soon, as Obama's skinny leadership has left America a mess.

But, of course, Obama himself is a shrewd political operator. His cholesterol levels are up, according to his latest checkup, and he's started to get the hang of sitting on his ass and not making decisions. Can he manage to get fat in time for 2012?